Bravo MTV for Telling Pedro Zamora's Story - Parent's Turn on the TV for This One and Watch it With Your Kids

Thank you MTV for creating and broadcasting Pedro's story, he put a face on the disease when he was alive, and now, he will continue to help raise awareness. As parents, we need to be aware of our children's choices and make sure they are making informed decisions in their lives. Pedro's story needs to be heard. If discussing sexuality with your older children is too hard a topic for you, perhaps using MTV's "Pedro" as a catalyst will help you. Watching it together could be a wonderful way to approach the whole topic. Whether we want to admit it or not our children, at one time or another, will become sexually active. We can't control when it happens.

We can influence our children's perspective.

We can inform our children about the facts.

We can make sure they are aware of all the repercussions of their choices and actions.

I do hope my children will have the self restraint to resist the overt sexual messages that surround them each day. Realistically I know they face tough choices all the time. So, what I can do is share everything I can while they are with me.

Becoming sexually active without the knowledge of how to protect yourself, is like jumping into a pool not knowing how to swim, essentially putting themselves at great risk.

Hopefully, my husband and I will have instilled our family values in our children's thought process while they are home with us. We have tried to always be honest with the facts surrounding their potential actions and choices.

HIV AIDS hasn't gone away, and it won't go away until we face it head on and be above board about the facts surrounding the issue.

My brother was diagnosed with, lived with, and eventually died from AIDS. Like Pedro, he didn't run away from it, he faced it. He helped raise awareness, he went against the establishment, went public and worked to have a law that changed that was preventing him (and many other HIV Positive/AIDS patients) from receiving social security.

Hiding from things that scare us is never a solution, it never makes what your facing easier, it never accomplishes anything but delaying the inevitable.

When it's the right time, and your kids are the appropriate age, don't run away and hide from what needs to be said. Face your fears, then face your children and tell them the facts.

From my perspective, sharing information that helps our children make wise and responsible choices is one more way of telling them we love them. Whether our children are straight or gay, they all deserve to live a long and happy life, filled with love. Love your children enough to inform them.

Photo Credit: http://www.mtv.com/

Teen Parenting Series Topic Five - When the Best Communication Strategy is to Be Quiet

People often forget that listening is the "other half" of communicating. Sometimes you are saying the most, when you aren't saying anything at all; you are simply listening. Often, when given time, a teen will suddenly remember they do know how to speak, and they do have something to say.... even to you, their parent! By simply listening to what they have to say you are telling your teen, that you care enough to let them get it all out, to let them say what is on their mind; even when whats on their mind, takes a few minutes to surface, form words, accumulate volume and be articulated to you, their parent. There will be times that this sudden use of words to express how they feel will arrive at inopportune moments. You will need to do your best to squelch that feeling and be there to listen to your child. Sincerely listen. Implement A.L.T.U strategy if needed to help you keep your focus on your teen, and what they are saying. (Actively Listening To Understand - not just hear them, but LISTEN to them). An example could be when your child hops in the car as you pick them up from a friends house. The parent that immediately starts in with a string of (innocently enough asked) questions, is only rewarded with a few grunts meaning yea, and shoulder shrugs indicating I don't know, and wild eye movements - indicating OMG NO, will be wildly dissappointed with the mono-syballic "conversation" she has with her teen. Contrastly the parent that may quietly offer a "hey kiddo" as their teen jumps in, given some time, will likely be rewarded with a bone of knowledge - something that occured at their friends house, or something someone said to them on the bus that day. The key here is creating a successful enviornment. To open up, most teens need to feel safe and free from judgement, intended or not. Creating a buffer of silence between arriving in car with parent, and when they decide to open up a bit and possibly even share about their day is key! This way your child feels that they are deciding to communicate to you on their terms. They will then feel more in control of the conversation and offering information about their life, versus the feeling that you are expecting them to fill in the gaps and all the missing pieces to the puzzle of their life. Your teen will feel empowered by having the choice to communicate to you, instead of being defensive due to the overwhelming feeling of your being too demanding in wanting them to communicate. Put anyone on the defense, and they usually push back and/or lash out. Empowered by the feeling of talking on their terms, the teen may offer more than you ever would have pulled out of her regarding the latest break up or conflict in her life, or ......(fill in the blanks appropriate to your child!). Carpool is another prime opportunity to be quiet! You will learn more about your child's day through the interactions of your child and their peers. With time, if you are very good at mastering being invisible, your child will forget that you are in the car, and they will open up to their friends. This way, if down the road you ask about that one girl and the hard time they were having together, you won't see her physically "shutting you out" or looking at you like you were crazy, you know nothing about this, so why would I even begin to share with you look. Because they will know you were in the car, and that they did talk about Susie Q that day in the car, with this in mind, you will probably get that look of, well, ya know that Susie Q and all she has done, well..... and the conversation flows as long as the teen is comfortable sharing. Remember kids don't really want you to be their "best friend," heck, sometimes they don't even want you to be their sounding board. It's our job as parents to gauge what they really need from us in each specific moment, as it will change day to day. So they don't need you to feel in the silence gaps with mommie (or daddie) jibber jabber. They need to feel comfortable with who they are and who they are with in order to communicate to others what they are really "feeling." From my perspective, there are times when the ages old adage is absolutely correct, "Silence is Golden." Those who are actively listening to understand their children will come away alot more richer than those who simply hear their kids "talking." Have you talked to your kid today? Seriously - talked? Not chatted, not hows your day wrap up summary to the daily family show, to be aired same time, same place tomorrow, but truly talked to them, and listened to what they had to say to you? Teen talk tip today? Don't always try to fill in the awkward silence, it could be the catalyst to your teen opening up a little to you.

Topic Three in Teen Parenting Series - Pulling out the Positive When Talking With Your Teens

Too often teens feel their parents are saying they are bad. Today's installment is about pulling out the positive and focusing on that in your conversation with your teen. This teen talk lesson will sound like a repeat of toddler positive reinforcement 101, because it is. Parents need to be reminded this technique does not lose it's effectiveness with age. It is simple- human nature responds better to positive language vs. negative. It's the rare parent that truly believes they have a "bad" kid. Our kids will make bad choices, that is a given (it is how we learn and grow). Teen choices are what worry or anger us, and the choices are what we are trying to correct.

Parents need to be conscious of the words we use. In an effort to comment on, or correct our teen's bad choice, our words often give a different message than we intended.

Refrain from Immediate Evaluation Syndrome (common parental affliction) Example Scenario: Teen venting about bad day at school. ..."Oh my gosh Mom, the lunchroom is horrible, every day, its just horrible!" Negative Response: ..." I think your exaggerating there must be some days that are okay in the cafeteria."

• This response, with good intentions, says to the teen, your wrong.

Positive Response: ..."Wow, it's been pretty bad in there lately, huh?"

• This is better because it acknowledges their bad day without evaluating the teen. BONUS: minus the "being attacked" feeling, your teen is more likely to continue in the conversation, probably in a more informative vein.
• By being careful and conscious of her responses, mom will learn a lot more about her teen's day, at the same time, her teen has a chance to vent and get it out of her system.
• Parents still left scratching their head after a 1 sentence exchange need to reflect on their last few conversations, maybe they created the "mute teen effect" without even knowing.

Curb parental "Reactionary Stance" when responding to teen behavior Example Scenario: Teen and younger sibling. Negative Reaction Dad "Leave the baby alone Michael!" Teen "I was just rubbing his back" Dad "I know what you are doing, just stop it before you wake him please" Positive Reaction Dad "I like rubbing his back too, I'm just afraid he will wake up, he just fell asleep."

The positive reaction acknowledges the teen's good intentions in a non-judgmental way. Furthermore, the parent is showing empathy with the teen.

Having sincere empathy in your response creates an alliance with your teen, this removes the parent from the more adversarial role their teen sees them as.

Positive reinforcement works, when we pull out the positive and focus on that in a situation or conversation, everyone feels better.

• Positive reinforcement, praise, encouragement, these are the winning ways when interacting with your teens!
• Used consistently in a direct way will get results.
• Don't be fooled into thinking it isn't working. Teens, almost sub-consciously, want you to believe you are having no effect on what they do, or how they do it.
• Be patient! With time you will see, in their very actions and reactions, that it is working!

Bottom line parents, our job is to be positive, encouraging and full of praise for our children.

• Being positive when correcting a bad choice, points the teen towards their positive attributes, not leaving them to dwell on their negative choice.
• Encouraging your child on a consistent basis when they are engaged in the appropriate behaviors will only increase the positive (desired) behavior.
• Praising your children can't be emphasized enough, who on earth does NOT respond in a positive manner to praise!

If you have tried, or intend to try, any of the strategies in this Teen Series please post your success stories and/or mistakes you have made and learned from. Next Teen Talk Rule in the Series: How to dodge the bullet of Teenager Nagging.

Topic Two in Teen Parenting Series - Teen Cue Words: the Words All Parents Should Have in Their Parenting Dictionary

A series providing parents of teens 9 strategies to help improve communicating with their teens and work towards creating a better parent/child relationship. I call these "Cue" words, because argumentative interaction with our teen-age kids should be our cue to switch words or our manner of speaking with our teen. Changing a few key words when interacting with your teenager will rescue you from the constant feeling of having verbal arrows thrown at you by your teen! Today's installment covers Teen-Talk Rule #1: When talking with your teens, try using "It" instead of "You" in your conversations. By making this simple change, you will immediately feel the benefits! By doing this, parents avoid having their teen feel they are being judged or evaluated. When speaking to a teen, each time we insert the word “you,” in their world sounds like we are judging them. Example:

• Before: “Kathy you really need to go to bed now.”
• After: “Kathy it’s getting late, it really is time to go to bed now.

Saying you have to go to bed may seem logical to the parent but to the teen they hear, “what have you been doing all night, why are you late, why are you off schedule?” and with that in mind they take it personally.

Because our teen feels this way, they revert to a defensive position, which is why they normally would respond to our request for them to go to bed in a defensive manner. Not usually brimming with sugar and spice and everything... This tactic can also be applied to non-directives but in simple conversation: Example: Your child is talking about a bad day at school, how he didn't get to complete his gym class, he was sent to the school office.

• Before (Parent): “What did you do to get sent to the office.”
• Your teen is immediately feeling defensive, and you don’t even know what happened yet, and will probably react in a very argumentative way, “I didn'tdo ANYTHING."
• After (Parent): “What happened during the class?”
• While you don’t have to actually use the word “it,” by focusing on the event vs. your child individually, they will not feel as threatened or judged.

When I implemented this change in my vocabulary, I was amazed at the results. The "IT" changed as a I referred to it when I first learned about it was a lifesaver for me!

The "IT" change also supports the Victim/Villain roles referenced in the first installment of this series. When saying "you" to our teen, knowing what we know now, it is easy to see that it could instantly cast our teen in the "victim" role, because they are feeling personally "attacked" vs, just an inquiring mind wanting to know how it went in school today!

Once you try this strategy, please post your experience on the comments, we can all learn together from each other's experience. In this case, we'll say, "it takes a virtual village to raise our teens!"

Next topic in the series: Teen-Talk Rule #2 - PULL out the Positive!

Road Trips...

... are a great opportunity for parents of teens to connect and catch up. It may take a little time, but given enough space, a few open ended conversation starters, and usually your teen will eventually give in on the silent treatment and start to talk. Want them to talk more? Don't take over the conversation. Let there be some quiet between topics and usually, if you are patient, they will offer more. While your innate mother's instinct may drive you towards trying to solve whatever challenge or problem from their day they bring up - try to refrain! Have you ever wanted to just vent about your day to your husband or friend, and they immediately try to provide a solution, when you really didn't want a "fix" you wanted to whine, maybe even martyr it a bit, you wanted to get it all out, so you could let go of it? Same with your teen, they don't always want us to "fix it and make it all better." Sometimes they simply want you to listen. Shocking, I know. Once your teen is confident that you are completely vested in actually listening and perhaps validating their feelings here and there, you will be pleasantly suprised at the results. It is really hard in the beginning, but once you get the hang of it, you will be amazed at all they had been holding in, and now are willing to share! Of course, you may need to institute ipod free zones. In our family, we ask that ipods not be immediately turned on - that we need to be on the road for more than 45 minutes. This rule graduated from the former rule (used more when they were younger) - no movies in the car until it is too dark out to read. If you can handle their music choices, try plugging their ipod into your car speakers, or in my case (I have an older van) - plugging into a casette enables their ipod to play on the car speakers. Whatever it takes, try to create an environment that enourages an exchange of conversation between you and your teens. This means, not chatting on your cell phone - which literally forces them to dis-engage, and when that happens, it will need to be a really long trip for them to re-engage. It also means, don't use that time together to lecture or whine about their dirty underwear on the floor- which literally translates to "wa waaa wa wa" to the teenager's ears. (Insert Charlie Brown's teacher sound bite). From my perspective, if you want to talk to a teen, you need to talk in a way they will listen, and more importantly, listen in a way so they will talk.