Playground Bullies have Morphed into our Worst Nightmare

Michael Brewer, a 15 year old boy from Deerfield Beach, Florida, was purposely set on fire by several classmates between 13 and 15 years old. When classmates tried to steel his father's bike from him, he didn't threaten the kids, he didn't spread viral, internet rumors about them, Michael Brewer responded in an appropriate manner, filing a report with the police. He 'followed the rules' of society. Sadly, Michael's mature response to having his property threatened was the catalyst to his being in an incubated and painful state in a hopsital bed. Every school has had the challenge of dealing with 'bullies.' Kids who can't express their feelings verbally and resorted to pushing and shoving in line or pushing down a kid on the playground when they lost the game. Or the lunchroom bully, someone who didn't have as much as others, and vents their frustrations and jelousy by taking food from those less vocal. Watching the evening news, could make a parent nostalgic for those days; when a parent's worst fear was their child would miss the bus, or a schoolmate behave hurtfully towards their child. Five teenage boys, the youngest barely a teen at 13, targeted Michael; they called him a snitch. These boys plotted, planned and attacked Michael by dousing Michael with rubbing alcohol and setingt him on fire! If this horrific scene was that of a movie, it would be labled at a minimum, 'PG-13' or probably 'R' for violence. These ratings established to protect our youth from being exposed to such violence. Only in this case, it's the 13 to 15 year olds executing this firestorm of violence. In the flick of a match how many lives ended? Probably too many to count. Michael's life, in jepordy as he battles back from the burns covering his body. His mother's life will never be the same. Mom now has the burden of seeing her scarred son, no longer who he was before that day. Michael's family will incur an incredible amount of debt in hospital bills. The round the clock he will require in his healing, will take his mother away from his sister. Simultaneously dealing with her own tornado of emotions, mom will be helping her son through the pain and confusion of what happened, and supporting her daughter who is probably just as confused, angry and hurting over the event. The five accused? Their lives as they knew them are over, their parents, their families - all these lives affected by the insanely violent acts of their children. Will this community lose trust in those around them? Will they pull their kids closer to them, and try to shield them from the violence in the world - creating an even more segmented and segregated population? Obviously society has lost it's way. Our children, cliche as this is, are the future. Our future doesn't look bright, if this incident represents children of today, our future is a dark storm brewing, and teeming with those who have never been told 'NO,' who weren't given the opportunity to learn how to lose with dignity, children who have never felt like they belonged, kids who haven't been held accountable, and were cheated the gifts of humility, empathy and justice. How did these children go 13, or 15 years on this earth and come to the conclusion that attacking a boy with fire was the solution to their problem? Where were the parents of these angry boys? Michael's parent was with him, offering love and support to his fear of bullies, going through the 'right' channels at school to work out a strategy on how to deal with bullies. Where was the school leadership? If Michael's mom was making all the right calls to the appropriate people at school, why wasn't the school making the calls immediately to the homes of those boys. Why weren't they there making sure the boys weren't allowed to interact with Michael - or any other students for that matter? I once read the line, "it is a hungry man who starts a revolution." When I read that, many things that had been very confusing and I grappled with to understand, suddenly made sense. Perhaps these boys were hungry, or in this case starving, for the love and affection that makes a parent say "no," or have the strength to teach their child a tough lessons early on in life. Maybe these boys were starving for their community to accept them and guide them on what is right and wrong. They've probably always been hungry for the confidence of knowing who you are and being proud of yourself. I can't picture 5 boys not growing up hungry for love and attention lighting another boy on fire. Actually, I can't see those boys trying to take a bike; because those boys would have known better -- and it never would have escalated to this magnitude of violence. From my perspective, from day one, parents need to feed their children with love and compassion and empathy for those around them. By dousing their children's hunger to belong, they are dousing the fires of the future.

Children are Born Negotiators

Kids of all ages have an innate and natural talent for negotiating to get what they want. From three year-olds wrangling for later bedtimes, to teenagers rattling off reasons to stay out late, they all have something in common - the overwhelming drive to say whatever it takes to get what they want. Sometimes, in our efforts to be the parent who listens and shows their child respect by taking into consideration their child's perspective, we allow ourselves to get get wrapped up in the dance, and lose our parental position in the process. The rules of engagement that apply to parenting three year-olds are just as valid when parenting seventeen year olds.

I believe it is possible to hear out a child, be respectful of their words and perspective, without losing our point.

We told our three year old we understood he wasn't sleepy, while reminding him that he knows, in our family, when it's bed time we stay in our room, in our bed quietly, and we rest. When his rapid fire requests for a cup of milk, or a movie, or one more book, etc., begin, the second we gave in and allowed the negotiation to affect our firmly stated decision, we lost our position.

Doing so, we only undermine ourselves and our child's good night sleep. 14 years later, our commitment as parents to stay out of the 'dance,' is just as important!

Our three year old, now 17 years old, has only gotten better in creatively twisting our logic int0 knots, until (in his mind), it supports whatever he really wants. On our good days, we respond to this behavior with the same thing we told him when he was three.

We acknowledge his position and desire, then immediately follow up with our firm re-statement of how this request is handled in our household, under our rules.

From my perspective, it's always been the times we didn't stay firm and allowed ourselves to get drawn in (kids are good, don't think they aren't) to the dance, and away from our position, that things blew up beyond what was warranted and caused more heartache and frustration than any of the times we presented a united parental front and maintained the rules we have already established and held all accountable to.

Not to say there isn't a time for compromise - just be aware and firm in your convictions - and even with a compromise accountability and agreement among the stakeholders of what and what will and won't be acceptable is absolutely necessary.

We are our children's parents, not their best friends. Be loving and have empathy, but never lose your backbone!

Giving in, doesn't give much to your child, except the immediate gratification rush - which never really fulfills, and only leaves them hungry for more, and more! Our children learning to live within their boundaries and respect what is required of them.... that is what they need, they just might not know it yet.

DC Suburb Middle School Embraces Twitter to Communicate to Parents!

Rockville, MD. June 17th, 2009. Redland Middle School . Principal, Robert Sinclair announced today, via his email distribution list to parents, the school's new utilization of Twitter as an additional communications tool to reach out to parents and school community members as needed. For those of you not already enjoying the big buzz of connecting via Twitter, is a free, social messaging utility for staying connected in real-time.

When asked, Why Twitter? Mr. Sinclair responded, "My reasoning is to get more parents more actively involved in their children’s education and to inform parents about what is going on and how they can play a more prominent role in their child’s education."

Mostly known and used in Social Media Marketing circles, Twitter is quickly becoming more accepted by "traditional" press, advertising, customer service departments, customer feedback, and plain 'ole socializing! And now it appears, schools!

So, "two thumbs up" to Robert Sinclair; his commitment to effective distribution of information as accurately and efficiently as possible, and his equally tenacious efforts in collecting community feedback, input and suggestions.

Already appreciated for his use of technology to keep connected, including: 'Friday wrap up the week' Emails, Yahoo Distribution list, (providing parents with the morning announcements and more), auto caller for absentee student confirmations and important reminders, automated teacher grade books for parental viewing and more, his addition of Twitter to his communication arsenal reveals he is a principal willing to think out of the box and use multiple tools, to reach multiple people, via multiple preferred ways of communication!

From My Perspective: Principals embracing Twitter are Principals who are committed to connecting and communicating with their school's community! A community of parents in the know, are much more involved and active in both their student's lives and school activities - and that... ladies and gentlemen, lays the groundwork for our children to become adults who are committed and involved members of their communitites! ... and this is a good thing.

Alice's Palace - Extended Family Love

Many families today just don't embrace, or know their extended families. I'm always shocked when I hear kids talk about a grandparent they have only met once or twice in their lives, yet their grandparents are still alive and well.

Growing up, events involving extended family were always something I looked forward to, thoroughly enjoyed, and are my most cherished childhood memories.

Gandmother Alice went to great lengths to make sure her children, and her children's children understood and appreciated what an incredible gift we all are to each other. I am the youngest of Alice's 18 grandchildren; ranging in age from 45 to 56. My father's three sisters are all special to me, each for unique reasons. Their children are just as much my friends as they are my cousins.

Alice criss-crossed the country for graduations, weddings, births, tragedies and celebrations.

Alice was happy anytime more than one of her chicks were in her presence. Her gift to us each year was a week at the beach for a family reunion. Those summer days on the ocean's edge were the highlights of my childhood. I even planned my wedding around the date of the reunion so more of my family could be there.

With time, our reunion came to be known as "Alice's Palace" we have t-shirts, jackets and visors, all imprinted with Alice's Palace, and wear them proudly. The block we stay on for that week, knows our group well!

To this day, if anyone mentions Alice Palace, we all know whatever they are referring to has something to do with family presence, food, drink and fun.

Yesterday, I spent the day enjoying a 'satellite' version of Alice's Palace on my cousin's river deck. In Alice's memory, and in celebration of numerous family birthdays, accomplishments and good news, we gathered:

• All four of Alice's children: aged 76 to 86
• Eight of Alice's grandchildren (plus spouses)
• Twelve of Alice's great grandchildren (plus spouses)
• Three of Alice's great, great grandchildren
• One great grandchild attending via proxy of his mom: (due in October)

Plus assorted close family friends.

Seeing my children enjoying their cousins company, interacting with my dad's siblings, helping and playing with cousins babies and overall having a good time, all in the company of family had me beaming and grinning all day. It's better than any material thing my children could ever give me.

My teenagers were generous with their time and their presence; they obviously enjoyed being in the presence of their extended family and my family enjoyed their presence.

As I walked down the stairs the melody of happy voices interacting, sparked with laughter and hugs and "oh mys" filled my very being with happiness. Looking down and witnessing all of this, I knew in my heart, so too was Alice's presence among us.

I knew Alice was right there with us, teasing, joking, eating, laughing and loving. The reason we were were all assembled was the same reason we gather annually together on the beach, the same reason we toast Alice at every family event.

Alice, in her wisdom, loved us enough to make certain we knew and appreciated the joys of both giving and receiving..... family love.