Make Sure Your Kids Know Whats 'Behind' the Dotted Line

How prepared are your children when it comes to the daily financial decisions an independent person makes on a daily basis?

Parents, think back to what you've done the last week.  Possibly paid the mortgage, balanced your check book, filled out FAFSA forms, or worked on your taxes?  How much calculus or geometery was needed to complete any of these items?

The majority of high schools do not require personal finance classes to graduate, nor  offer classes in personal finance. 

How many students take on loans in order to attend college, not truly understanding what is involved in the re-payment.  In their determination to go to college, they sign away not realizing all that comes with being indebted. 

I'm not saying student loans are bad.  I am saying that signing a loan, lease agreement, mortgage, or any financial document without having learned the math - before signing on the dotted line.

How many young people are going to start their 'adult lives' indebted without knowing exactly how they got there, nor the best way to get out from under it. 

Knowing the basics of personal finance is important skill set to have in order to be able to make the transition from living with their parents to living on their own.  Understanding exactly what their personal debt/income ratio or the value in budgeting and planning for their financial obligations is too important to not be properly prepared for.

Credit cards are given out like candy, with the details of the relationship in ultra fine print.  They are too easy to rely on - often during the very circumstances one shouldn't use credit for, and perhaps should do without.  With readily available credit, it makes it too easy to be impulsive in their purchases, especially if they don't have the knowledge that would enlighten them as to why they should NOT charge what they can't afford.

If your school system isn't providing this class, then perhaps you should at home.  Open the door to those 'grown up' financial discussions and invite your fledgling adult in to listen and learn.  Show them the skills they need to spread their wings on their own successfully.

From my perspective, we teach them to look both ways before crossing the road, we should teach them to look behind the fine print and know what their signing.

Blow Dryers and Helicopters

Lessons learned - from the new mom to helicopter parents.

After our first son was born; the nurse came to our room, assuming she should take the baby out of the room while I blow-dried my hair. Looking down at my son and glancing skeptically at the blow-dryer, I replied, ‘why?’ then quickly adding, “I do this at home too, he might as well get used to it.”

Our fervent desire to protect our children needs to be balanced. We need to be conscious of what we’re protecting them from. Otherwise our children grow up in a bubble, separated from the realities of life, not learning how to respond to failure or frustration. How will they know how to accept defeat graciously or win with humility if they aren’t ‘allowed’ to fail? How do they learn to recover, if they never have anything to recover from?

Some parents morph into ‘helicopter’ parents, they constantly hover. They swoop in and protect before any harm or foul. These choppers land stocked with accusations, reasons and excuses; whatever’s needed to prevent the sting.

Sadly, they’re preventing their child from learning to grow from the experience. Their children miss learning that basic physics lesson in life: ‘for every action, there is a re-reaction.’

Hair dryers blow when naps are needed, tests studied for aren’t always passed, and team rosters won’t always have their name. These things happen. Our children will make many bad choices along the way. People get hurt. No one is perfect, their stumbles, and the lessons learned in picking themselves up are worth the tears and fears in the moment.

Jabbing a fork in a plug absolutely requires our immediate and speedy intervention.

Being passed over for the dodge ball team, does not.

Loving and supporting them, walking with them through the repercussions of their actions - always.

From my perspective, protecting children from every little thing isn’t protection. Doing this teaches kids to spend their lives avoiding any chance of failure, pain or making a mistake, which is an exhausting endeavor and destined to fail. Unfortunately, when failure does happen, they won’t know what hit them.

Take 2 minutes to take a brief survey, it well help my collecting data on various parenting styles.

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Children are Born Negotiators

Kids of all ages have an innate and natural talent for negotiating to get what they want. From three year-olds wrangling for later bedtimes, to teenagers rattling off reasons to stay out late, they all have something in common - the overwhelming drive to say whatever it takes to get what they want. Sometimes, in our efforts to be the parent who listens and shows their child respect by taking into consideration their child's perspective, we allow ourselves to get get wrapped up in the dance, and lose our parental position in the process. The rules of engagement that apply to parenting three year-olds are just as valid when parenting seventeen year olds.

I believe it is possible to hear out a child, be respectful of their words and perspective, without losing our point.

We told our three year old we understood he wasn't sleepy, while reminding him that he knows, in our family, when it's bed time we stay in our room, in our bed quietly, and we rest. When his rapid fire requests for a cup of milk, or a movie, or one more book, etc., begin, the second we gave in and allowed the negotiation to affect our firmly stated decision, we lost our position.

Doing so, we only undermine ourselves and our child's good night sleep. 14 years later, our commitment as parents to stay out of the 'dance,' is just as important!

Our three year old, now 17 years old, has only gotten better in creatively twisting our logic int0 knots, until (in his mind), it supports whatever he really wants. On our good days, we respond to this behavior with the same thing we told him when he was three.

We acknowledge his position and desire, then immediately follow up with our firm re-statement of how this request is handled in our household, under our rules.

From my perspective, it's always been the times we didn't stay firm and allowed ourselves to get drawn in (kids are good, don't think they aren't) to the dance, and away from our position, that things blew up beyond what was warranted and caused more heartache and frustration than any of the times we presented a united parental front and maintained the rules we have already established and held all accountable to.

Not to say there isn't a time for compromise - just be aware and firm in your convictions - and even with a compromise accountability and agreement among the stakeholders of what and what will and won't be acceptable is absolutely necessary.

We are our children's parents, not their best friends. Be loving and have empathy, but never lose your backbone!

Giving in, doesn't give much to your child, except the immediate gratification rush - which never really fulfills, and only leaves them hungry for more, and more! Our children learning to live within their boundaries and respect what is required of them.... that is what they need, they just might not know it yet.

June 6th, 2009 the 65th Anniversary of D-day - Do Your Kids Know What D-day Is?

Too many of us take our personal freedoms for granted and do not realize the price that was paid so we could be free to speak our mind, to worship as we desire, and to be free from fear of our government.

No, the freedom we enjoy today was not easily won, and it wasn't for free, too many people paid too high a price so we could live the lifestyles we live today.

The generation of men who fought that insurmountable battle on Dday so selflessly, won't be with us much longer to share first hand, their experiences that day, or during any battle in the war.

If your child has a grandparent or great grandparent alive that was old enough to remember the war, and the changes our country went through during that time, have them interview their grands, and better yet, tape their interview for their children's children.

No relatives alive from that era? Borrow one. It's just too important not do connect with that generation before they are gone or unable to remind us of the horrors of war, the horrendous loss of life, the sacrifices at home to support the war and everything else needed to be heard.

Memories fade much too quickly to give justice to the sacrifices made that day, to the sacrifices of an entire generation.

Any WWII vet that was involved in combat will usually be the first one to stand up and voice the many reasons our country should always, always try diplomacy and any other means necessary to avoid going to war.

This too, is an important life lesson for all of us to remember.

Children learning when they are children, how to get along with all walks of life are the children that grow up to be leaders, voters and civil servants working hard to get along with all walks of life of different nations, religions, colors and languages.

No matter a person's native language, we all speak the language of humanity. I challenge you to find any person, of any color, in any any free nation, that does not appreciate belonging, being loved, being valued and being free.

Those men who lost their lives, or changed their lives forever, did so for you, for me, and for all of our children to follow; they did this so all of us would have the freedoms we enjoy today, and will continue to enjoy tomorrow.

That is why you should have your children talk to those who were there. History is best learned in a first hand exchange between those who were there, and those who were not. The interaction of storytelling from one generation to another was, in a way, the first internet. The exchanging of information from one group to another.

That pivotal battle on Omaha Beach, D-day - June 6th, 1944 and the numerous conflicts that followed are the reason we can blog our opinions, march on the Mall in DC for the causes we believe in, write letters to the White House, and much, much more - all without any negative repercussions from our government. That doesn't happen everywhere, and our kids need to know this!

* If you really can't interview someone than go here for a start: listen, look and learn: http://www.army.mil/d-day/

Read Tom Brokaws The Greatest Generation

SEXTING - Happening More than Parents Want to Admit

OMG is all I could think when I read NetLingo's "The Top 50 Acronyms Every Parent Needs to Know" ,

I had heard about '420' from my middle child. Not quite understanding how that was a reference to smoking pot, I asked and he laughingly replied, "cuz stoners are usually stoned each day by 4:20 in the afternoon." That was the moment I realized that I wasn't so hip as I thought. I had NEVER heard that.

In addition to the acronyms listed, I had heard about FWB, (not included on the list). FWB = Friends with Benefits. Basically meaning, we aren't going steady or anything, but we like to fool around together...

My moment of realization about FWB only made me think, OMG all over again. Has "Girls Lib" evolved to this? Do our young girls not want any 'strings' attached either? But then - hey, they still want to fool around too?

The very young of 11, 12 and 13 are sending pics of themselves that start out as very flirtatious and where they land nobody knows...

Do our young boys realize, when they receive a sexy, nude picture, the instant they forward it to friends, the state may attempt to charge him, for distribution of pornography,or other various, pornographic related charges.

This is all new territory. While I want the law to be clear and firm, a 13 year old boy who, in dis-belief at what he has received, forwards to a friend saying - WHOA, what the heck.. shouldn't be charged with pornography, should he? It's all very confusing, and new paths for parents to navigate. None of the parenting books I bought with my first positive pregnancy test addressed this!

Recently in a local middle school this whole naked pics being sent and received scenario played out; in the end the boy received a school suspension.

Ironically, the girl causing the uproar was not even taken out of class to discuss what had happened. (The sending and receiving both happened during school hours).

Shockingly, it was the girl who eventually walked into the school office complaining, "everyone is laughing at me cuz I texted my boobs."

Obviously, pre-teens, and young teens are not old enough, mature enough or logical enough to understand the impact of what they are doing.

Texting has taken the text book 'school hall flirting,' the old, "talking to a boy for the first time, stuttering and all" to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

When one of my son's couldn't believe I had deleted some questionable pics on his phone his one response was why am I all into his business, it is PRIVATE! I sat him down for a serious talk about several topics, including the LACK OF PRIVACY regarding ANYTHING on line, anywhere.

They don't get it. They don't see that once distributed, even to JUST ONE PERSON, they have LOST ALL control on that picture, that text, that attachment. No one can ever be confident they know for SURE where any and all references, copies, lift outs, anything - from that one distribution have gone to.

Sexting is defintely an issue among pre teens and up that needs to be addressed in a serious and thoughtful manner.

Once again, parental/child conversations, (not lectures), on self-worth and self-esteem can play a big part of stymying this dangerous teen trend.

Dinner table talk about the lack of thought that goes into such actions, pointing out the negative repricussions resulting for all involved, and mostly - how sad it is that kids feel the need to do THAT to feel included, wanted or "loved."

Parents Please - Be Aware, Be Involved, Be Vigilant, Be Vocal... and always, Be Loving!

Guidance done with love, always trumps lectures laced with itimidation and force.

Talk so your children will listen, and then, listen so your children will talk.

From my perspective, the attention seeking spontaeous wild moment of behavoir at a teen party, usually long forgotten within a week, well.... thats been replaced with things like sexting! Sexting can never be truly forgotten, because it can never be fully erased from the e-world we all now live in.

Soccer Parents Punished - Poor Sportsmanship Hitting a New Low!

Being your child's advocate means speaking up for their needs, not garnering their 'wants,' or what you believe they want, no matter the cost.

With 100% transparency in mind, FACT: For 7 years I have been a "Travel Soccer" Mom. I have seen firsthand, the many positive and unfortunately just as many, negative, aspects of this particular genre of youth sports.

The entire travel Youth Soccer parent community was recently re-accused of being an over competitive, unsportsmanlike group of people when a story of horrible parenting hit the national newswires.

This is why: The father of a 12 year old soccer player on a Bethesda soccer team in the DC Metro area exhibited completely inappropriate and unsportsmanlike behavoir in response to what he saw as a "bad call" by a parent linesman referee.

The father positioned himeself in the refs face and yelled at the parent ref, saying he made the wrong call. As if that wasn't enough, he also yelled at the ref's daughter saying, "your father should be fired!"

WAGS(Washington Area Girls Soccer)League's governing body decided the team's parents would not be allowed within 100 yards of the playing field for their next two games. The girl's parents attended,100 yds from the field, some with their binoculars.

How did it get to this point? From a game on Saturday and then back to your family and neighborhood friends to this?

Perhaps it's the parents over-investment of time, energy and money; they take off of work, schedule famly vacations around and anchor their lives on the schedule of their kid's travel sports schedule. They are simply too vested in the whole process and in doing so, have created a self-fullfilling prophecy of FRUSTRATION.

Perhaps what is needed, is LESS parental involvement.

There are places in the world where children growing up play with a ball made of grass, in barefeet, or in the streets. Their parents don't tell them to come in and get ready for practice, nor do they monitor their games.

These kids play for the sake of playing. Free from critical eyes pointing out 'mistakes.' Free from constraining rules. Free to be creative and do crazy, silly moves, that one day may be the move all young players strive to conquer...

Maybe we need more back yard ball. Sandlot, peer-type self referring. PERHAPS, kids allowed to play, fall down, have arguments and better yet, SETTLE the argument on their own, won't grow up incapable of accepting a defeat or a mistake and yell at their child's ref and another child.

In 1974 I was 11 and I walked 2 nights a week to our school for softball or soccer practice, then walked home. Never drank a "sports drink," or 'traveled' to a game.

If dad had a lot of yard work, he may or may not make the game - he would always ask, "how'd it go?" maybe, if I looked particularly sweaty, ask if I scored.

From my perspective, I think we need to let our kids be kids. Learn the valuable lessons of being a part of a team, and not place too much emphasis on a game other than having a great time, getting fit and learning a sport.

Actually, let me re-phrase, I think as parents, we need to be parents, not judge and jury at a 12 year old's game, not defender of the team's pride at all costs. I believe our children benefit from seeing us say, "okay, that was frustrating, but thats life, refs can't see everything..." They learn so much more from that simple statement than any sideline antics.

Look closely at your kid, are they happy? Are they having fun? Then be happy. It's enough.

Wise Words

I often draw on other's wise words for parental strategys, as in the quote below:

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Bill Cosby said this, and very likely said it while parenting teens. Those teens who manage to have the self-confidence to follow their own instincts and path in life, will not only be very successful, but happier because of it too!

Trying to please a group of friends, who don't always know what they need to be happy themselves, is practically a sure bet for being frustrated, un happy and un-successful.

As parents, it's helpful to our teens to hear our thoughts behind some of our decisions, so they see our "life logic" at work. Today, one of my teens asked me why I wasn't participating in something she thought I would really enjoy doing. when I explained my perspective that by participating in this event, I was only trying to please everyone, and invariably would fail, leaving me un-happy and unsatisfied with the results.

She pondered this, nodded and said, "Yeah, I see what ya mean, it's like your setting yourself up." Score one for the mom! Message transmitted with success!

Parenting: My Top 10 Favorite Quotes About Parenting

Words of wisdom I try to remember while riding the roller coaster of life called Parenting!

1. “To understand your parents' love you must raise children yourself.” Ancient Chinese Proverb

2. “Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression” Dr. Haim Ginott

3. “To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others.” Pope John Paul II

4. “If a child is to keep his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel Carson

5. “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” Harry S. Truman

6. “Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.” Unknown

7. “An aware parent loves all children he or she meets and interacts with—for you are a caretaker for those moments in time.” Doc Childare

8. “The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home.” Confucius

9. “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open,and rules are flexible--the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” Virginia Satir

10. “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.” Richard Bach

From My Perspective, we all need words of wisdom to assist us in our effort at parenting in the very best way we can. What are your favorite quotes about parenting and family life - please share by posting your comments!

Two Thumbs Up Review for "Kids In Mind" Web Site - A GREAT Parental Movie Guide Resource!

Kids In Mind is one of the best resources on the net for parents to "PRE"check a movie out to confirm whether or not it is appropriate for their kids to go see. Kids In Mind ease of navigation, rating system and searchability makes this site a reliable, quick and easy click for any parent to confirm "yes Johnny" or "no Johnny" you can or can't see this movie.

Tweens are especially hard to gauge when it comes to movies. They tend to be a little beyond the traditional "kid" movie, but not quite mature enough for the true "teen" movie. As parents, we know our kids best, we know who has matured and who can handle what message. Blindly trusting the movie industry rating system won't always work for what YOUR kid can or can't handle.

The three category, numeric rating system provides parents a quick and easy to read snapshot for each movie. This snapshot lets me know if I need to read the more detailed review before making a decision.

"Sex & Nudity," "Violence & Gore" and "Profanity" each have a numeric,color coded 1-10 rating at the top of each movie's review.

A movie with a 9-10-19 rating would be an over the top sexually graphic movie, filled with bloody violence with a script filled with profanity, (probably an "R" rated movie).

If the movie has a snapshot of 3-4-3, and your not sure, the step by step detailed description of each category will give any parent I know more than they could have asked for in detail regarding each category.

Phrases such as "man's thigh brushes woman's knee under the table during dinner scene" gives the parent a blow by blow of each shot in the film that could be considered "sexual."

A literal word count of each and every profanity, uttered or muttered, in the film is provided. Minutely detailed descriptions of violence and/or gore for those categories give the parent a true benchmark to rate the film with their family values in mind.

Each review also includes whether or not there is substance abuse involved in the story and to what level it is included in the film.

Reviews wrap up with suggested topics for discussion and the underlying message of each movie.

Being able to read this level of detail, enables me to decide whether or not to allow or not allow my kids to go to a movie with confidence, knowing I am making a well-informed decision.

Even when you kid (and they will) sneaks into a movie, and as always you invaribly find out after the fact, you can click here and have an informed "de-brief" with your kid about the movie!

From my Perspective, this web site has earned a "Parental Guidance Required" two thumbs up! Check it out, bookmark it in your favorites, and tell the other 'rents on the block about it. Having this resource in your parental arsenal of tools will help you parent your children as best you can.

Will Your Child Become an Alcohol Related Death Statistic? - Every 15 Minutes Someone Dies in an Alcohol Related Car Crash

Every 15 Minutes, a service targeted at High School students and their families, is an incredible program that illustrates, as realistically as a possible, the direct affect these deaths have on all the lives of the people connected to the victim. A National program, it started in the 90's with their mission being: help high school juniors and seniors realize the unnecessary tragedy that can result from an unsafe decision, or bad choice. Image from http://www.every15minutes.com/.

The program is dramatic, realistic and involves the students,staff, parents and local authorities. If you have been fortunate enough to be a part of this experience, I encourage you to speak up and let other parents know the importance of advocating a program like this where their children attend school.

On April 30th-May1st my son will be participating in this program. As I began reading the paperwork, I thought wow, this is pretty cool. By the time I completed my last signature I was choking back my tears.

My son will be enacting the role of a fatal crash victim. I am not allowed to go to school to see what happens. I am not allowed to have contact with my child from the time he leaves for school that morning until the assembly the next day.

In addition to writing my son's obituary for the school paper, I will be contacted by a member of our police department and told - in the exact language of an official notification of death, that my son passed away in an alcohol related crash.

All of the "victims" involved during the exercise are pulled from class (every 15 minutes) by the grim reaper, they will then go to an undisclosed location, turn in their cell phones and participate in an overnight retreat, not allowed to contact anyone in the "outside world." This is done to represent to everyone involved: themselves, their family, friends and teachers, what it feels like to have someone in your life - suddenly ripped away from your world.

All that day in school, the "Walking Dead" will be students, with ashen, hollow faces and black t-shirts, who will walk the hallways and attend classes the entire day in silence, representing all those who have died in alcohol related accidents.

Is this program over the top? Is it going to far? Perhaps. But, to truly reach our youth who have grown up surrounded by over the top media, entertainment and drama, perhaps this is the BEST way to grab, and then keep their attention on the fact that EVERY 15 MINUTES someone dies in an alcohol related death.

Whether your child is the one that has never taken a drink, or the one with the adventurous streak who is willing to try anything once it doesn't matter. ANYONE can be a victim and ANYONE can make an impulsive decision, outside of their character, with life changing results.

If anything, check out the website, the many videos on YouTube from schools who have participated... listen and learn. Love your children enough to have a straight up heart to heart talk (not lecture) about alcohol and what it can and can't do.

From my perspective, I would much rather receive the police officer's message this way, and hopefully, forever avoid that dreaded phone call, door bell or tear filled message about anyone I love. Wouldn't you?

Parenting after Growing Up a Child of an Alcoholic

Growing up in a family with a parent, or both parents suffering from alcoholism sticks with a person far beyond their days of childhood, despite their best efforts conceal it and separate it from who they are now. An ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholic Parent/s) carries the baggage of their childhood with them always. Unresolved, these weighty issues then becomes a burden passed on to their family.

On average 1 in 6 families are living with the effects of alcoholism.

The scars created by growing up in this hurtful environment run deep, the depth of which is often unknown to the ACA themselves. Growing up in this dysfunctional environment only creates a warped and unhealthy reference for the child's future relationships, parenting responsibilities and commitments in their life as an adult. Being raised in a household with an unavailable or unreliable parent does not provide the consistency a child needs in order to be "available" and reliable to their loved ones themselves. Often members of the alcoholic influenced household "avoid" the tensions created by the offending member by not speaking about it and pretending the issue doesn't exist, thus creating an unhealthy, uncommunicative household. Living this way completely drills into the family: avoid conflict at all costs. This avoidance only keeps the unresolved issues "alive" forever (the baggage). This pattern also enables unacceptable behavior to continue, as the lack of communication only lets the offending person off the hook of accountability. A family that does not communicate freely is on the road to their living daily life with the issues working against them. In a defensive measure, the ACA learns to keep things buttoned up tight, not talking about feelings or acknowledge their feelings. This happens because they learned when they acknowledged how they truly feel, and the depth of those feelings, it hurt way too much when those they loved were unable to acknowledge and accept how they felt. What begins as a protective wall in their childhood becomes a stone wall in their adulthood; keeping out those they love the most. In actuality, what they need the most are their loved ones close to them, inside their wall, loving and supporting them. If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, please consider the following signs and if they are affecting your relationship with your spouse and children. Residual Symptoms of an ACA can include: 1. Problems with intimacy 2. Problems with communication 3. Trust issues 4. Very critical and hardest on themselves 5. Issues with follow through and completing projects 6. Often tend to be workaholics; a convenient way to isolate themselves 7. Strive for perfectionism to control what parts of their lives they can 8. You grew up before your time and have become ultra-serious 9. Resistant to broadening your world to include "unknown” 8. Overly sensitive to sudden change; things are fine the "way they are" 9. At times, strangely drawn to erratic or unacceptable behavior Being a parent is one of the most intimate relationships you will have in your life, right along with your spouse. If you can't openly communicate and trust those in your family, your family life will be a constant struggle filled with tension. The lack of communication often results in your children filling in the "why" with themselves – and living with the effects of self blame, very likely as you may have done when you were a child. If you are hardest on yourself, look at your children, are they reacting the same to themselves do you see a pattern of them being too afraid to fail, which makes them afraid to even try? Is your inability to follow through on promises or projects with your children creating a feeling of mistrust between your kids and yourself? Do your kids often feel let down - and "throw" this in your face, only creating tension and making you feel defensive? Do your kids have issues with follow through and completion? Being a parent is all about change. Watching and guiding your children growing up, is all about being open to, and encouraging change. Do you find sudden changes in your life hard to embrace? It could be as simple as growing up with one type of peanut butter and your spouse suddenly buys a different brand, did you find yourself overreacting? Even though you likely crave stability and control over your life, are you spontaneously drawn to erratic or "unacceptable" behavior? Do you see your children trying on personalities that are possibly dangerous or acting out in a way that is desperate for your attention?

If you grew up as a child of an alcoholic; please try to look closely inside yourself, your true feelings, and your true state of mind. Do you feel you dealt with "all that" back in the day, its done and behind you?

Give yourself a reality check – most likely it is as far behind you as you thought, take an honest inventory of your family dynamics. Even when an ACA doesn't drink at all, the legacy of a life raised in the midst of an alcoholic is most likely being passed onto their children despite their best efforts to keep it away from them. Everything about their childhood they hoped would never touch their children is with their children each and every waking momen. If an ACA doesn't communicate to their children about their own childhood, their children won't know why they "are the way they are," or why their family functions the way it does.

Break the cycle by more than not drinking. It is just as important to break the cycle of silence by talking to your kids.

1. They will love you and respect you for it.
2. They will love and respect themselves and understand themselves.
3. Afterwards, they will understand everything about their household a little bit better.

Only when you identify the big, invisible dragon in the room can you begin to slay it. From my perspective, by opening up and communicating about your childhood, you will finally be on the road to recovery. Better yet, you will all be on the road together - truly together, not just next to each other, in the same house, but together in love and support of each other.

Resources to help Adult Children to Alcoholics: http://www.alanon.com/

http://www.adultchildren.org/

A Parent's Confession - The Best Holiday Present...Our Presence in Our Children's Lives

After "staying home" with the kids for 16 years of mommyhood, I had to go back to work outside the house. Working out of the house has really brought home the meaning and importance of OUR PRESENCE in OUR CHILDRENS lives. The suction cup of time at work is very sneaky. At first it's only because of a "big project." Then, word gets out, you get "projects" done! Then it's a compliment, wow, they are asking me to be a part of this big initiative, how cool is that. Of course you are very protective of your family time, and vow the first time your late to a game not to let that happen again! That first time, you just couldn't help it - you never planned to miss a game, hey you've been to 254 of them, missing one isn't too bad right? That first weekend you went into work on the weekend, just to wrap up a few things so it wouldn't be so crazy during the week and that way you'll be home everynight on time - well that made sense, right? This is a heart wrenching post for me to write. Because the trap described above - it snarred me, and had me captive for almost a year. In a way, beginning this blog was the first step towards seeing the trap and working towards breaking free. I mean, good gosh, this was me we're talking about! For years I had been: the mom who was car-pool queen, staff appreciation, team mom, the mom the other kids could talk to, who always had a cooler full of water, gatorade, snacks, extra t-shirts, shorts, soccer socks, etc., The mom who made goofy fun little gifts for sports dinners, volunteered to be the driver on the soccer/lax/basketball road trip (hey you learn a lot about your kid's lives in the car), the mom who kids on other teams from other states and schools knew as oh yea, thats, ______'s mom. (I've promised to never use actual names of family members to protect both the guilty and the innocent!). Trust me, I'm not trying to blow my own horn. Truth be told, I'm blowing the whistle on myself. Because last night as I left my office at 11:45 pm, I violently woke up from a corporate, bleary eyed, hangover of a nightmare and realized I'd lost myself in all this hustle to impress, earn the bucks and feel good about myself, that I still had "it." As I thought how did this happen I looked back... It began with a noble cause; making sure no matter what college accepted my kids we would have the back up income to make it happen. Plus, when I had worked before, I had done some really cool things. Never though, was my mission to be able to finance stuff, good gosh we've got too much stuff -- all of us, I believe carry that extra weight. At first the kids enjoyed the little extra 'freedom' they found themselves with. 2 out of 3 were in their teens, and the 3rd was about to be. We checked in daily at first on the phone and I'd hear all about their day, and encourage the homework, etc., I'd hear them say, you should see where my mom works - it's so cool there! I was on top of the world, Gloria Steinham would be so proud of me! We women, we CAN have it all! HA - thats a bad joke on me, at my kids expense. We can strive for it all, we can want it all, but I don't think, no - change that I know FOR ME, I'm talented enough to really BALANCE it all. Luckily for me, they had just said at our staff meeting a lot of find the balance talk, so it was my perfect opportunity. And so, last night at 11:45 ish, I powered back up and wrote something to this effect to my boss(es): Dear ____: I simply can't continue to do this, nor will I continue to work at this pace. I know our industry is experiencing the toughest year probably in history since the depression. And I know we all are expected to do our part. But this can't continue. I can't and I won't keep going at this pace, it's not good for my family, for me, or in the end for work. No one stretched this thin is going to be able to continue to keep the output at our required level of quality. It seems that for the last 3-4 months I have been directly involved in every "firestorm" that has hit our firm. Each of you are supportive and wonderful at listening, but for the most part, your in the same boat, and nothing changes. If I weren't going on two weeks of vacation tonight, I would be putting in for mental health days. I'm am fried, stretched thin and burned out. I took these two weeks off to re-introduce myself to my family, I'm not sure they remember who I am.

Because I AM, first and foremost a mother to my children and wife to my husband. Bein a great wife and mother makes me a better person, and eventually a better staff member, because being this, makes me a happier person.

Happy people work better than anyone. We just heard a "find the balance speech" and I am using this time off to clear the air at my desk from the old me, old schedule, old expectations. I will need to say "no" more, I may have to push back on deadlines more. Perhaps, ultimately this will show those above, that perhaps our staffing does need to be re-visited. The way we are working, we are enablers. We are giving the impression that it's working out this way, and it's not. I promise to come back re-freshed, re-energized and re-committed to my family's goals and values, please don't expect a comprimise when it comes to this. If you feel this is unacceptable, than perhaps we need to have a discussion when I get back. I think you will quickly see it's the better way to work. At least I hope I do. Happy Holidays, Me The first to return the email - one of the "high up guys." Thanks for all your hard work. Go home, have a great vacation, have fun with your kids. See you in the new year. Phew! that felt good. So, dear readers, it seems I'm slowly gathering a few of you who do read this. Today it seems, you have become my confessional; so I ask you, please forgive me, don't judge me; as we all fall down and pick ourselves up again. Maybe hearing this will wake someone elses bad dream and help them. Perhaps it will make others of you all the more grateful for what you have. I've apologized to my family, I think they understood how it kind of snuck up on me, and that I was never trying to stay away from them. I thought I was keeping my eye on the ball - helping to support my family, but man did I get tackled and trashed big time by a linebacker of a job! (Okay we are a sportsy family). Admitting this was hard. I needed to be accountable. I needed my children to see that sometimes the best of intentions can be pushed off course.

We all need our children to know that we mess up too.

This is the way the learn how to be accountable,

how to pick themselves up, how to apologize and how to ask forgiveness.

There is no Accountability 101 class at school. These are the lessons of life, lessons that are our responsiblity to teach them. Our actions do speak louder than words. Our actions are long remembered after the talks. For Christmas this year, we had to cut back on the stuff (isn't everyone). Aside from finance, heck - do we really need the stuff - nah. Decrease our footprint and all that.... This year my best present is my presence. Ten un-interrupted days of family time. No crackberry, no email, no nuthin! We're hanging out together (whether they want to or not!) SMILES. I know this is a very long post, but from my perspective it was too important to skimp on. If anything, I needed to do it to un-burden my heart, ease the load, pick myself up and go be a better mom, wife and person. Thank you for reading. Go hug someone you love. They probably need it, and so do you. We all do.

Topic Four Teen Parenting Series - How to Dodge the Bullet of Teen Nagging

Many of the articles I post here are from things I've read about and learned over the years. Not so with today's post. This is just my pure gut feeling and instinct with respect to the nagging or whining teens tend to do and why they often fall into doing this as a matter of habit. If you leave my blog with anything from this article, please have it be this: CONSISTENCY. Maintaining a consistent value system, rules of the house, and line of communication between your teen and your self is KEY. The parent who is easily swayed, is often nagged. Nagging or whining is simply a means to acquire the desired end result.

• Once the behavoir is rewarded with what they wanted, you might as well get the dog food out for Pavlov's pooch. The kid has heard your bell, and is salivating at the thought of getting what he or she wanted.
• If nagging got it the last time they wanted something, they will sure as heck do it again. If your teen knows whining wears you down faster than anything....be prepared for the siren sounding whine your teen knows how to make to get you to cave early.

Parents also need to be consistent in their response, be on the same page on what (for the most part - never say NEVER), is acceptable and reasonable requests within their household.

• If your teen manages to divide Mom and Dad, you will most certainly fall, divided you are always weaker and they zero in on this like shark going for blood.

Set realistic expectations in a firm but loving way. For example, if you were taking just about ANY teenage girl between the ages of 13 and 16 to the mall:

• Almost guaranteed their expectations of that shopping trip will be much different from yours.
• If you don't adjust those expectations; you are creating your own misery.
• Give your teen an enviornment to be successful in. A successful brother, sister or child.
• By setting the expectation first (as in before you go inside the mall), you are dodging the nagging bullet.
• When you are very clear and concise about what the purpose of this trip to the mall is, you have given them a clear expectation and you are giving them an environment to be successful in.

This is one of the best things I've ever done with my daugther prior to a trip to her mecca. Now shopping trips are fun; a time to bond, chat and enjoy each other's company. I am the first to admit, this wasn't always so. The majority of the time it was my fault by not being consistent, so she always had a glimmer of hope that maybe this time, if she asked often enough, or spun me around enough she would get that ______ (fill in blank with the latest "MUST HAVE") desire of a 13 year old girl.

Always, always try to keep in mind:

In relationships communication is KEY! Informed people are confident people.

An uniformed person's imagination is usually worse than the reality of the situation.

By not communicating clearly and leaving too much to the imagination you have given your teen no option but to fill in the blanks themselves. In the case of our example, you will have a battle on your hands from the time your feet hit the tile of the mall.

It doesn't have to be this way. Nagging for things, and whining about what we don't get isn't really acceptable behavoir.

Then why do we find ourselves faced with it more than we would like?

It occurs when: there is disparity on what parents allow and don't allow, when there hasn't been a lot of straight talk between parent and child, and when teens aren't clear on what to expect and not expect.

Teens, like ourselves, only want to know what the scoop is whats the 411, etc, Making them guess puts stress on your time together. There is very defined amount of time together as parent and child, they grow up too fast!

From my perspective, parents need to do all we can to enhance our time together with our children!

Teen Talk Tip of today? Talk in a way your children will listen. Listen so your children will talk.

Topic Two in Teen Parenting Series - Teen Cue Words: the Words All Parents Should Have in Their Parenting Dictionary

A series providing parents of teens 9 strategies to help improve communicating with their teens and work towards creating a better parent/child relationship. I call these "Cue" words, because argumentative interaction with our teen-age kids should be our cue to switch words or our manner of speaking with our teen. Changing a few key words when interacting with your teenager will rescue you from the constant feeling of having verbal arrows thrown at you by your teen! Today's installment covers Teen-Talk Rule #1: When talking with your teens, try using "It" instead of "You" in your conversations. By making this simple change, you will immediately feel the benefits! By doing this, parents avoid having their teen feel they are being judged or evaluated. When speaking to a teen, each time we insert the word “you,” in their world sounds like we are judging them. Example:

• Before: “Kathy you really need to go to bed now.”
• After: “Kathy it’s getting late, it really is time to go to bed now.

Saying you have to go to bed may seem logical to the parent but to the teen they hear, “what have you been doing all night, why are you late, why are you off schedule?” and with that in mind they take it personally.

Because our teen feels this way, they revert to a defensive position, which is why they normally would respond to our request for them to go to bed in a defensive manner. Not usually brimming with sugar and spice and everything... This tactic can also be applied to non-directives but in simple conversation: Example: Your child is talking about a bad day at school, how he didn't get to complete his gym class, he was sent to the school office.

• Before (Parent): “What did you do to get sent to the office.”
• Your teen is immediately feeling defensive, and you don’t even know what happened yet, and will probably react in a very argumentative way, “I didn'tdo ANYTHING."
• After (Parent): “What happened during the class?”
• While you don’t have to actually use the word “it,” by focusing on the event vs. your child individually, they will not feel as threatened or judged.

When I implemented this change in my vocabulary, I was amazed at the results. The "IT" changed as a I referred to it when I first learned about it was a lifesaver for me!

The "IT" change also supports the Victim/Villain roles referenced in the first installment of this series. When saying "you" to our teen, knowing what we know now, it is easy to see that it could instantly cast our teen in the "victim" role, because they are feeling personally "attacked" vs, just an inquiring mind wanting to know how it went in school today!

Once you try this strategy, please post your experience on the comments, we can all learn together from each other's experience. In this case, we'll say, "it takes a virtual village to raise our teens!"

Next topic in the series: Teen-Talk Rule #2 - PULL out the Positive!

Teen Parenting Series: Creating a Better Relationship with Your Teenagers

A series providing parents of teens 9 strategies to help improve communicating with their teens and work towards creating a better parent/child relationship. Today's Topic: Navigating Conflicts and Arguments with your Teenagers. The day my youngest turned 13 was the day my husband and I knew we were outnumbered! 3 Teens: 2Parents. Yikes, how did this happen so fast? We quickly realized with our oldest (now 18) that parenting teens is not the same as parenting before the teen years.

Teens, love 'em or hate 'em we all were once there, and need to remember that unique psyche involved in being a teen.

• Parents need to constantly remind themselves teens are a different breed of person. Teens feel they can conquer anything, they are invincible. Their friends are their world, and they want to belong and be different all at once.

The teenage world is full of push and pull, love/hate, it is a plethora of contradictions; it can be very stressful on a teen. Teens, like their younger alter ego, do all they can to keep it together in public; when they come home don't be hurt or confused that the stress of their day is unleashed on you. As parents we are the safe harbor for their very choppy day in the world of peers. Topic One: Conflicts and Arguments - Learning not to escalate arguments, thus avoid creating a "mountain" to climb, only to then slowly descend into the calmness of compromise and agreement. REMEMBER: In any conflict, aka argument, with your teen, there are 3 roles; 1. Victim, 2. Hero and 3. Villain. Parents need to avoid the easy typecast of "Villain"

1. Don't go overboard on accusations, or yelling. Simply state the facts, "John, you are late, we agreed your curfew was midnight."
2. Don't respond to his excuses with, "you are ALWAYS late." Sweeping statements only open the door for their immediate response and self-validation that you don't "get it."
3. This simply supports their role as Victim. Simply stay firm and clear, "yes, but midnight was the curfew we agreed to."
4. If you are NOT the Villain, you will be amazed at how quickly they don't have a quick counter attack. It's amazing. The conflict ends.
5. Slipping back into "Villain" you only perpetuate the argument, because the "Victim" will always have a comeback to the "Villain."
6. This promotes the possibility of an even worse scenario: your partner in parenting may feel the need to come to the rescue, as the "Hero," just to end the argument.
7. Being the "Hero" to a partners "Villain" only underlines your teens ability to divide and conquer the parenting team.
8. On the flip-side, don't slip into "Victim" yourself by using tried and not true: "if you loved us, you would know we were worried, why do you do this to us, don't you even care?" When they are having fun with their peers, they have the attention span of a lightning bug.
9. Your teen cares about you, the point is they didn't think about you at that specific moment of their decision. Never state anything you know deep down isn't true, saying it all is being more about you. It is an emotional response that will never bring the hoped for outcome.

Next topic in the series: Teen CUE Words, the Words We All Need in our Parenting Dictionary: Oh so useful, when communicating with your teen. Choose them carefully! The author, Meglyn of "From My Perspective," is the parent of three teenagers, 13, 16 and 18. Meglyn has also worked several years in the school system both in elementary and middle school. At heart, Meglyn often feels many years younger than her 45, but knows the teen years are not a phase in life she would ever want to re-live! She does not claim to be the authority on teens, moreover, she is usually writing from what she has learned from her mistakes, or from the research she has done to help her and her husband during these choppy years of teen hood in the house! Readers: Please post those teen-tips you have accumulated over the years, this parent knows there is always more to learn!

Carpe Diem - or in Mom Lanugage - Grab that Moment!

My 18 year old son, suddenly appeared in our back yard. We had known he had to work all day, and nothing more beyond that. It was 8:30 and a beautiful night out, and suddenly he was there! I'm not embarrased to admit, my heart jumped a little as he turned the corner into my view. We have always been a close family. Being my first born - We went through our biggest successes with him, and learned a lot about parenting with him; admittedly, sometimes at a cost. His transition from High schooler to College student hadn't gone as smoothly as we hoped, and it had taken a toll on our relationship. Mix in some "first love" turmoil in his life, friends scattering across the country, and things had been a bit choppy for us. Nothing ir-repairable, but taxing all the same. Perhaps the rude awakenings of real life had been a bit of a shock to our guy, maybe we hadn't done our best throughout it all, we've never done this before. He didn't necessarily want to hear what we were saying. Following our instincts, we did the best we could. Lately, his 'ole good humored self had started to re-emerge. I was getting glimpses of the boy/man I know and love. Only, it is very hard to always know when to jump in and how deep to swim in the life of your pre-man. Over-involvement is the kiss of death; not being there, just in case he needs me, (or even needs to have me there and just be able to ignore me), isn't good either. Suddenly, at the twighlight of this balmy, indian summer evening, he was was there, in the emood to connect, to be a part of "us." It didn't matter that we had guests over, and were in the middle of a casual dinner. I knew these moments don't happen as often as they used to. Those wonderful moments when your child gets older, and farther from your reach - suddenly wants to be a part of everything. It was my opportunity to fully embrace "Carpe Diem" - I grabbed my mom moment, and enjoyed his very presence. I didn't try to take advantage of it and get a full catch up on his life, it's taken me a while to learn this, but I have. I siezed the moment, and loved the moment and anything it brought with it. I didn't look back, didn't wonder forward, I just was. I was in the moment with him, and I was grateful and thankful to have that time, no matter how brief it might last. He laughed, we laughed, a card game ensued, the banter of good-natured smack talk filled the air. Flashbacks of "go fish" at age 8, when he still giggled like a girl, filled my heart. We had that moment, and it was fulfilling because I finally learned one of the tougher "mom lessons" in life. During our time last night, I realized that taking that moment and living it to the fullest far outweighs the time wasted in trying to figure out our lost time, or hoping for future moments, wondering why it's different now and then grabbing hold too tight and trying to "force" it to happen. Whether we think we are holding on too tight or not, if your grasping and they are dodging, take a deep breath and pull back. Take what they give you and love it for what it is. I bet you'll find yourself much happier. Who knows, perhaps the gates to his life will open a little wider for you, inviting you in a little more often. From my perspective, as cliche as it is, we do need to let go of those we love in order for them to return to us with even more love to share.