First Thing They Gotta Do to Win? Learn to Lose!

Is you’re a child a good loser?

Think about it.
This is important.

Learning how to lose prepares one for success.

Pick a truly successful person, look into their lives, you will likely find the following to be true:

1. They aren’t afraid of being wrong or of ‘losing,’ enabling them to take risks, or try new and unique ideas.
2. When they do lose, they have the ability to learn and grow from their experience; identifying what they can do better next time.
3. When defeated, they are able to see and admire their opponent’s skills objectively and strive to incorporate how their opponents bested them.
4. They are willing to ‘lose’ fans, admirers or supporters by going against the grain, following their instincts with confidence.
5. After being defeated they don’t play the blame game, they don’t feel the need to offer excuses, because they know ultimately it is up to them, what is needed to turn the defeat around is inside of them.

How does this apply to our children’s lives?

1. Are your kids willing to raise their hand in class and participate, offering their perspective, not being muted into silence by being afraid of being wrong.
2. After receiving a bad grade on an exam they prepared weeks prior, can they look inside and see how they could modify their studying process for the next exam. Will they read the red pen comments and make note on how to incorporate what is being suggested, how to fix what has been circled the next time?
3. After running for, and not winning a student government position, do they trash their opponent? Or, can they agree, their opponent’s posters were better, or their speech was more concise, etc.,
4. In peer pressure situations are they able to rise above the pressure and remain true to their convictions, following their instincts on what is right?
5. They don’t come off the field blaming a loss on the referee, poor conditions of the field, their sore toe, or having stale toast for breakfast.

From my perspective, those who have learned how to fail, to lose the game, and to be wrong at times, are those who will achieve, excel and be successful.

Make Sure Your Kids Know Whats 'Behind' the Dotted Line

How prepared are your children when it comes to the daily financial decisions an independent person makes on a daily basis?

Parents, think back to what you've done the last week.  Possibly paid the mortgage, balanced your check book, filled out FAFSA forms, or worked on your taxes?  How much calculus or geometery was needed to complete any of these items?

The majority of high schools do not require personal finance classes to graduate, nor  offer classes in personal finance. 

How many students take on loans in order to attend college, not truly understanding what is involved in the re-payment.  In their determination to go to college, they sign away not realizing all that comes with being indebted. 

I'm not saying student loans are bad.  I am saying that signing a loan, lease agreement, mortgage, or any financial document without having learned the math - before signing on the dotted line.

How many young people are going to start their 'adult lives' indebted without knowing exactly how they got there, nor the best way to get out from under it. 

Knowing the basics of personal finance is important skill set to have in order to be able to make the transition from living with their parents to living on their own.  Understanding exactly what their personal debt/income ratio or the value in budgeting and planning for their financial obligations is too important to not be properly prepared for.

Credit cards are given out like candy, with the details of the relationship in ultra fine print.  They are too easy to rely on - often during the very circumstances one shouldn't use credit for, and perhaps should do without.  With readily available credit, it makes it too easy to be impulsive in their purchases, especially if they don't have the knowledge that would enlighten them as to why they should NOT charge what they can't afford.

If your school system isn't providing this class, then perhaps you should at home.  Open the door to those 'grown up' financial discussions and invite your fledgling adult in to listen and learn.  Show them the skills they need to spread their wings on their own successfully.

From my perspective, we teach them to look both ways before crossing the road, we should teach them to look behind the fine print and know what their signing.

SEXTING - Happening More than Parents Want to Admit

OMG is all I could think when I read NetLingo's "The Top 50 Acronyms Every Parent Needs to Know" ,

I had heard about '420' from my middle child. Not quite understanding how that was a reference to smoking pot, I asked and he laughingly replied, "cuz stoners are usually stoned each day by 4:20 in the afternoon." That was the moment I realized that I wasn't so hip as I thought. I had NEVER heard that.

In addition to the acronyms listed, I had heard about FWB, (not included on the list). FWB = Friends with Benefits. Basically meaning, we aren't going steady or anything, but we like to fool around together...

My moment of realization about FWB only made me think, OMG all over again. Has "Girls Lib" evolved to this? Do our young girls not want any 'strings' attached either? But then - hey, they still want to fool around too?

The very young of 11, 12 and 13 are sending pics of themselves that start out as very flirtatious and where they land nobody knows...

Do our young boys realize, when they receive a sexy, nude picture, the instant they forward it to friends, the state may attempt to charge him, for distribution of pornography,or other various, pornographic related charges.

This is all new territory. While I want the law to be clear and firm, a 13 year old boy who, in dis-belief at what he has received, forwards to a friend saying - WHOA, what the heck.. shouldn't be charged with pornography, should he? It's all very confusing, and new paths for parents to navigate. None of the parenting books I bought with my first positive pregnancy test addressed this!

Recently in a local middle school this whole naked pics being sent and received scenario played out; in the end the boy received a school suspension.

Ironically, the girl causing the uproar was not even taken out of class to discuss what had happened. (The sending and receiving both happened during school hours).

Shockingly, it was the girl who eventually walked into the school office complaining, "everyone is laughing at me cuz I texted my boobs."

Obviously, pre-teens, and young teens are not old enough, mature enough or logical enough to understand the impact of what they are doing.

Texting has taken the text book 'school hall flirting,' the old, "talking to a boy for the first time, stuttering and all" to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

When one of my son's couldn't believe I had deleted some questionable pics on his phone his one response was why am I all into his business, it is PRIVATE! I sat him down for a serious talk about several topics, including the LACK OF PRIVACY regarding ANYTHING on line, anywhere.

They don't get it. They don't see that once distributed, even to JUST ONE PERSON, they have LOST ALL control on that picture, that text, that attachment. No one can ever be confident they know for SURE where any and all references, copies, lift outs, anything - from that one distribution have gone to.

Sexting is defintely an issue among pre teens and up that needs to be addressed in a serious and thoughtful manner.

Once again, parental/child conversations, (not lectures), on self-worth and self-esteem can play a big part of stymying this dangerous teen trend.

Dinner table talk about the lack of thought that goes into such actions, pointing out the negative repricussions resulting for all involved, and mostly - how sad it is that kids feel the need to do THAT to feel included, wanted or "loved."

Parents Please - Be Aware, Be Involved, Be Vigilant, Be Vocal... and always, Be Loving!

Guidance done with love, always trumps lectures laced with itimidation and force.

Talk so your children will listen, and then, listen so your children will talk.

From my perspective, the attention seeking spontaeous wild moment of behavoir at a teen party, usually long forgotten within a week, well.... thats been replaced with things like sexting! Sexting can never be truly forgotten, because it can never be fully erased from the e-world we all now live in.

Inform Your Kids - Their Health Depends On It!

Our kids need to be aware of the realities associated with sexual activity. They need to respect their bodies and self to know better than to throw themselves into a pool of opportunities that will put them in over their heads.

Warning - blog entry below falls under the 'uncomfortable topic' genre - Teenage Sexuality.

My husband and I have taught our children the importance of valuing their virginity, to have a strong sense of self-worth, and to resist the peer pressure associated with having pre-marital, casual sex.

That being said, I also know that my one guy in college is making choices of his own on a daily basis that could change his life in a heartbeat.

So why send our kids out into the big bad world uninformed?

Today's kids are pressured in more ways and more often, and much younger to have sex than I ever remembered in my high school and college days.

Perhaps presenting the cold hard facts associated with having indiscriminate sex to them would hit home.

For instance, not all teens realize that STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) are diseases, infections or illnesses that spread from one person to another through sexual contact or sexual touching, to intercourse.

From some of my experiences working with teen groups, the large majority of them felt an STD only resulted from actual sexual intercourse.

The average teen in my group also thought that AIDS was the only STD that caused death. They did not understand that certain STDS left untreated, or incorrectly treated could cause very serious illnesses that can lead to death.

Some teens are familiar with the terms Syphilis, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia;all of them being STDs caused by a bacteria and can usually be treated with medication.

However, very few understand that left untreated can cause blindness, or their ability to have a child in the future. In one of my groups, only one teen in 14 knew that a girl living with one of these STD's could pass it on to to her baby during birth, and causing the newborn to be very ill. None of the kids knew that Syphilis not treated can result in death.

Hepatitis B - most of the teens thought this was a disease that only people outside of the US would get, because they had shots when they were a baby against Hepatitis. What they didn't realize is that it was passed through the simple act of kissing - let alone sexual contact or contact with a dirty needle. None of them realized there is no cure for the Hep B, only medications to help, nor how serious the disease is.

The topic of genital warts brought lots of snickering in the group. They stopped that quickly when I explained how quickly these warts multiply and how much this infection also multiples a woman's chance at cervical cancer.

Herpes also had a few laughing - saying that it wasn't that serious. More of an embarrassing thing than a health issue. Yet they didn't understand that there is no cure for it, and again, if a woman was 'active' during birth, could cause her newborn to be blind. Very few were aware that not all people know when they are "shedding" herpes and therefore could be passing it on to their partners and not even know it.

HIV - AIDS has definitely caught their attention and they did understand the ramifications of this horrible disease, yet they still continue to think - that it wouldn't ever affect their lives, because none of the participants in my group were gay.

It never occur ed to them that a girl they slept with, slept with a boy, who slept with a girl who slept with a boy who... tried a needle drug on a dare, or who.... experimented one time with homosexuality....

I have discussed all the other VERY IMPORTANT reasons for my kids NOT to engage in casual sex, and instead, trying to wait until marriage, etc., These conversations are just as important to have.

Awkward as it may be, don't avoid having discussions about STDs with your kids, it is too important NOT to. The STD conversation may be the talk that 'clicks' for your kid, being the catalyst that makes them more aware of the risks associated.

In My Perspective, I don't care what ignites that moment of clarity when they see the ramifications of what could happen, I just want the light bulb to go on!

BOREDOM BUSTERS - Frugal Fun for All Ages

Are your kids driving you crazy, because of the "I'm borrred" Syndrome? Try some of my favorite economical, creative and quick to do boredom busters!

Next rainy spring day, or middle of the summer bored whining starts - scroll through this list, and bust those bordeom blues without busting the bank!

Each activity has a my reccommended age category – and these are based just as much on enjoyment and ‘holding’ factor as abilities

• Little Hands: Ages 2-6 “LH”
• I’m a Big Kid: Ages 6-11 “BK”
• Pre-Teen & Tween: Ages 11-13 “Tween”
• Full out Teen: Ages 13 + “TEEN” *

*Until your teen is still willing to "play" with you.

SHAVING PAINT LH, BK

Materials: Non-gel shaving cream, Food Coloring Directions:

1. Combine non-gel shaving cream with a few drops of food coloring.

TIPS: Works on construction paper, a sliding glass door, a section of foil, cookie baking pans or plop them in the tub with bathing suites on. Promises to provide lots of finger-foam fun! Reccomend allowing "decorating” easy to clean household surfaces. Clean by rinsing with water.

SHAVING PAINT PART TWO “Puffy Paint” LH, BK

Materials: Non-gel shaving cream, Glue and Food Coloring

Directions:

1. Use equal parts glue and shaving cream.
2. Add a couple of drops of food coloring or tempera paint for color.
3. Paint with brush onto construction paper.

SIDEWALK PAINT LH, BK, TW

Materials: 1/4 cup of cornstarch, 1/2 cup water and food coloring.

Directions:

1. Combine cornstarch and water.
2. Using a small container, mix until smooth.
3. Add a few drops of food coloring.

TIPS: You can make a few batches of different colors. Kids can use paintbrushes, foam paint-rollers or sponges to paint the sidewalk.

WINDOW PAINT LH, BK, TW

Materials: Liquid dish soap, washable liquid paint or powdered tempera.

Directions:

1. Mix together equal parts dishwashing liquid and washable liquid paint or powdered tempera.
2. Mix until it's a creamy consistency.
3. se paintbrushes.

TIPS: Window paint is easy to clean from windows with a moist paper towel. Sliding Glass doors work great – bigger workspaces are easier for little hands.

FLUBBER LH, BK, TW This makes oozing, gooey, cold and wet play goop.

Materials: 2-1/3 cups warm waterfood coloring, optional2 cups Elmer's school glue3 tablespoons borax

Directions:

1. In one container, mix 2 cups warm water, food coloring and glue.
2. Stir until glue has dissolved.
3. In a separate container, combine 1/3 cup warm water and borax.
4. Stir until borax has dissolved.
5. Add borax solution to glue mixture, and mix with hands for about 5 minutes.
6. Pour out extra water.
7. Let sit for a few minutes on a tray before playing.

TIPS: Store in airtight container. Don’t play with flubber on upholstered furniture. If “bounced” off walls, can leave a mark (especially walls with “flat” paint).

Marble Painting LH

Materials: Marbles, Poster Paint or Tempera Paint, Box with low sides (a canned-soda case works well), Construction paper or printer paper, small disposable dish (or re-cycled lean cuisine type dish)

Directions:

1. Place paper in Box
2. Squeeze small amount of paint into disposable
3. Roll marble in paint
4. Put marble in box, hold box and tilt different directions
5. Change colors as desired – creates cool abstract designs!

SHAKE 'EM UP ICE CREAM! LH, BK, TW TEEN This recipe makes a yummy in your tummy fun!

Materials: 1 gallon-size zipper-type bagcrushed ice6 tablespoons rock salt1 cup liquid half-and-half1/2 teaspoon vanilla2 tablespoons sugar1 pint-size plastic zipper-type bag

Directions:

1. Fill the large bag halfway with crushed ice.
2. Add rock salt.
3. In the small bag, add half-and-half, vanilla and sugar. Seal bag.
4. Place the small bag in the large bag. Seal it.
5. Shake for up to 7 minutes until it is ice cream.

Play Dough LH, BK

Materials 2 tablespoons cream of tartar, 1 tablespoon vegetable oil, 1 cup flour, 2 teaspoons food coloring, 1 cup water, 1/2 cup salt

Directions:

1. Cook on stovetop over medium heat for 4 minutes. Stirring periodically

TIP: Store in Airtight bag, Clean pot before it dries! Use cookie cutters and rolling pins to play with the playdough.

Finger Paint LH

Materials: 4 tablespoons sugar, 1/2 cup cornstarch, 2 cups cold waterfood coloring, containers for finger paint Directions:

1. In a medium saucepan, mix sugar and cornstarch together
2. Add water
3. Heat over medium heat for 8 minutes or until the mixture thickens
4. Will thicken more as it cools
5. Divide into containers such as muffin pan, and add desired food coloring to each container

TIPS: Works on Construction Paper or Printer Paper, if you have paper with a gloss, the paint will slide easily. Muffin pans work well while creating projects, harder to “tip” and spill. Baby food jars or small re usable with air tight lids works well for storing left over paint. Shelf life of homemade paint is limited always check before you use again.

BUILD A FORT LK, TW

Let them take over your rec room with blankets, books to anchor them, pillows etc., If you have any recent appliance type boxes, all the better!

COSTUME BOX/DRESS UP LH, BK

Get that box of clothes you and your husband had set aside for Goodwill; kids love to dress up like their parents. Pull out your heels and some of your older, “good fakes” jewelry and some of dad’s ties and hats.

Make Capes out of the slightly stained tablecloths you keep forgetting to throw away.

Keep out the poster paint from earlier activities and face paint. Pull out the tried and true past Halloween costumes.

Makeovers TW, TEEN (girls)

Pull out your creams, facials, scrubs, manicure sets, hair products, and accessories. Don’t forget your hair-styling tools, make up, make up mirror with lights, everything you can think of. Treat your daughter to a day at the spa – ‘at home.’

TIPS: Say “yes” when she wants to “do” you. Don’t force your opinion on her, now isn’t the time to lecture, just to have fun and be spontaneous.

Battle of the Generations BK, TW, TEEN

Already own a Wii, Playstation, Nintendo – any of those type game systems? Challenge your kids to an all-out battle of the ages. Have a Wii Tennis Round robin, show them your previous athletic skill with Madden Football, or any of the other sports themed games.

Collages BK, TW, TEENS

Materials:

Scissors, Papercutters, Glue, double sided tape and/or monoadhesive, Magazines – all sorts, Poster Board, Markers or stickers Tips: Pull out your huge pile of magazines waiting to be re-cycled. With enough of the right magazines, you would be surprised how many boys get in to this too.

Don’t think they’ll completely get into it? Try suggesting just making a collage for their notebook cover.

Many of the notebooks today have a clear plastic cover with room to insert pictures or a collage, etc.,

Talk, cut, tape, talk, cut create – their finished product will tell you a lot about your kids!

Door Art TW, TEEN Be Brave Mom….it’s not as bad as you think.

Materials Poster paint, wall paints, drop cloth, pencil, painters tape, paint brushes all sizes.

Instructions:

1. Tell your kid to have at it! Create a mural of whatever they want (within boundries) on the back of their room door.
2. Draw it out in pencil first – get moms okay.
3. Help them (if needed) tape off the frame, or just outside the frame if the frame is being painted too.
4. Help make sure drop cloth is secure and covers all carpeting close to the project.
5. Make sure painting space is well lit.
6. Help with ladders if needed.
7. Let them have at it, and express who they are.

TIPS – let them go for it! They will enjoy their art when in their room yet no one else will have to look at it if they don’t want to. This removal of boundaries on “home décor” will really let them know you trust them, and that you can appreciate their style.

DRIVING SCHOOL: TEEN

Take the 15/16 pre-permit, new permit driver out for driving practice, parking lot maneuvers, etc.,

TIPS: Brooms with flags stuck into cones (if you have them from your soccer days) can be very helpful. Empty plastic garbage cans are great pretend “cars” when practicing parking – if they wobble, kid fails!

WIFFLE Ball (one of our family faves!) BK, TW,TEEN

All you need is the plastic bat and ball, no gloves necessary and heavy duty paperplates work for bases.

No backyard, go to the local park, or school field.

Soccer-Golf - made up by my oldest when he was about 12- BK, TW, TEEN

All you need is a ball and some outdoor space.

Each player takes turns creating the “hole,” for example: “From here to the mailbox, go around mailbox, then to the basketball hoop and back. Whoever can do it in the least amount of touches (kicks) wins that hole.

We’ve gone around our block playing this one, I usually don’t win.

You don’t need a pile of money for boredom busters, just think out of the box and be creative with what you have!

From my perspective, boredom is usually directly linked to too much "free" time. Some gently guided fun or creative play-time can be just the thing to busting boredom.

TIP: Mom and Dad, don't structure to the point of stifling good, imaginative, fun!

Will Your Child Become an Alcohol Related Death Statistic? - Every 15 Minutes Someone Dies in an Alcohol Related Car Crash

Every 15 Minutes, a service targeted at High School students and their families, is an incredible program that illustrates, as realistically as a possible, the direct affect these deaths have on all the lives of the people connected to the victim. A National program, it started in the 90's with their mission being: help high school juniors and seniors realize the unnecessary tragedy that can result from an unsafe decision, or bad choice. Image from http://www.every15minutes.com/.

The program is dramatic, realistic and involves the students,staff, parents and local authorities. If you have been fortunate enough to be a part of this experience, I encourage you to speak up and let other parents know the importance of advocating a program like this where their children attend school.

On April 30th-May1st my son will be participating in this program. As I began reading the paperwork, I thought wow, this is pretty cool. By the time I completed my last signature I was choking back my tears.

My son will be enacting the role of a fatal crash victim. I am not allowed to go to school to see what happens. I am not allowed to have contact with my child from the time he leaves for school that morning until the assembly the next day.

In addition to writing my son's obituary for the school paper, I will be contacted by a member of our police department and told - in the exact language of an official notification of death, that my son passed away in an alcohol related crash.

All of the "victims" involved during the exercise are pulled from class (every 15 minutes) by the grim reaper, they will then go to an undisclosed location, turn in their cell phones and participate in an overnight retreat, not allowed to contact anyone in the "outside world." This is done to represent to everyone involved: themselves, their family, friends and teachers, what it feels like to have someone in your life - suddenly ripped away from your world.

All that day in school, the "Walking Dead" will be students, with ashen, hollow faces and black t-shirts, who will walk the hallways and attend classes the entire day in silence, representing all those who have died in alcohol related accidents.

Is this program over the top? Is it going to far? Perhaps. But, to truly reach our youth who have grown up surrounded by over the top media, entertainment and drama, perhaps this is the BEST way to grab, and then keep their attention on the fact that EVERY 15 MINUTES someone dies in an alcohol related death.

Whether your child is the one that has never taken a drink, or the one with the adventurous streak who is willing to try anything once it doesn't matter. ANYONE can be a victim and ANYONE can make an impulsive decision, outside of their character, with life changing results.

If anything, check out the website, the many videos on YouTube from schools who have participated... listen and learn. Love your children enough to have a straight up heart to heart talk (not lecture) about alcohol and what it can and can't do.

From my perspective, I would much rather receive the police officer's message this way, and hopefully, forever avoid that dreaded phone call, door bell or tear filled message about anyone I love. Wouldn't you?

Inaugural Event Update: Verizon Center Youth Concert, Lincoln Memorial Steps & Warner Theater

Monday, January 18th, Martin Luther King's Birthday is being celebrated as a day of community service. I was really excited and happy to learn that both the President and Vice-President Elect and their families will be spending part of the day performing community service in the DC area! GO OBAMA and JOE, whadda way to LEAD BY EXAMPLE. What a way to ignite interest in community service, especially to our Nation's teens. The Washington Post is reporting there are rumors of BRUCE performing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. This Mom and her kids will definitely be there to enjoy the show, the people, the energy and the overall vibe on the mall in anticipation of the big day. "E" Online is reporting Jay Z has revealed plans to play in a "one-off" performance the evening before the inauguration, at the Warner Theater along with Mary J Blige and Diddy - all active supporters of Obama on the campaign trail. So far it has not been reported that the President Elect will be attending that show. The first ever "Inaugural Youth Concert" at the Verizon Center on the eve of the inauguration is quite the buzz among the youth of Washington, yet when first announced the only details were it would be FREE, but tickets would be required. According to Fox 5 News (Channel 5 in the DC Metro area), the ever popular Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus have been invited to perform at this concert! DC will be a sparkling city full of stars, both the political kind and those of New York and Hollywood for the weekend of events and Monday. Between the parties and events, both official and non official star gazers in DC may be able catch glimpses of all of the stars mentioned above, in addition to a wide ranging group including Sting, Elvis Costello, the Queen of Soul - Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick, George Clinton, Chaka Khan and Alicia Keys to Yo Yo Ma and Izhak Perlman! Rumors of Stevie Wonder and Barbara Striesand possibly performing are also floating around the city. Locals are hoping to catch site of some of the stars known for their involvement with the Creative Coalition (a group organized to bring Hollywood closer to the political scene and social causes), many of whom were very supportive of Obama throughout the campaign. Perhaps those stars in attendance at the Democratic National Convention will also be in town; that would include the likes of Susan Sarandon, Spike Lee, Anne Hathaway and Josh Lucas. Once I can get the 411 on not only HOW to get tickets for the youth concert at the VERIZON CENTER, in DC and possibly nail down some names of headliners and performers, I will post it immediately! The city is all a buzz, you can feel it in the air, one would think the ground below our feet is vibrating with the anticipation and excitement over the next 7 days!

Teen Parenting Series #7 - The Importance of Letting Your Teen Fail

I realize that initially this idea of letting your teen fail sounds counter-productive. As parents, we are supposed to provide our children with a successful environment, a value and morals system in order for them not to fail, right? Obviously, it is important to provide all of the above. Invariably though, our children will fail, they will stumble and fall. The key is, how we respond to these situations. As our response will set the bar with our children, on how they will respond to their mistakes and/or failures. There are times you will see that Johnny is about to create a sticky situation for himself, and as hard as it is, we need to know that there are situations that he needs to experience the "crash" to learn the lesson involved. If we swoop in everytime he is going to make a mistake, or fail a class, or screw up a good thing, how will he ever learn to recover? How will he ever learn the ramifications of his actions? It is important to let him fail and feel it first hand now and then. If we jump in before he even saw where he was headed, have we really helped him (or her)? Does this mean ingore all the warning signs of bad behavoir or a change in behavoir? No. But it also doesn't mean run to his side everytime he screws up. Simple humanity 101 - people screw up. If you're lucky, you learn from your screw up. If your parent buffers too much on your behalf, you are being robbed of your opportunity to learn. If you've read my prior posts you're probably getting used to my parental mantra:

"Stuff happens. How you respond to it, defines who you are as a person."

Like anything in life, our teens need the opportunity to learn how to respond; and like most things, they will first learn it from our actions. Which is why our response to their mistakes or failures is so important.

If we overreact and succumb to that emotional knee jerk response of, "how could you do this," or the classic, "after all we've done for you," (as if it were all about us), we totally missing the boat on a great teaching opportunity. That is, teaching our children how to respond accordingly.

Parents who constantly respond to the normal kid screw ups and mistakes with lectures along the lines of - how their teen's actions have negated everything they have worked for, that nothing will be the same, etc., are setting their teens up for a life of dissapointment; they have set the "how you respond to mistakes in life" bar very low for their teen. (Granted, there are times that perhaps those ltypes of lectures are needed, I'm not referring to those situations ie., breaking a law, committing an act of violence, etc.,) Teens who constantly hear those lectures every time they trip up tend to be so AFRAID of failing, even making a mistake, end up being too afraid to take the risk of possibly being wrong.

1. These teens tend to stay in the boundries of their "safety net."
2. They resist thinking out side the box.
3. They become content with always playing it safe, at the creeky old age of 15!
4. They will miss out on the thrill of victory outside of your comfort zone.
5. They will not feel the reward of risk return.
6. They won't strive for anything that is beyond their reach - in other words, if they don't have a pretty failproof gurantee of the outcome, then they won't go for it.

Another classic response to your teens mistakes/failures is the "helicopter parent."

This parent hovers and swoops in at the first sign of distress. They quickly find ways to justify their child's actions, ultimately making the conclusionit wasn't their child's fault. They completely nullify any of the ramifications of their teen's choice or actions. The child is prevented from being accountable, and therefore never learns the lesson: for all actions there are reactions. It's never "their fault." These children are truly being done a dis-service and will have a hard time when they are not under the protective umbrella of their parent's running interference for them. These teens tend to:

1. Never have a true understanding of their actions and how they affect others.
2. Do not have a realistic understanding of accountability.
3. Have a hard time understanding why others won't want to work with them.
4. Challenging times ahead for them on their first job.
5. Won't feel the enpowerment that comes with leadership, as those who can't be accountable for themselves are seldom put in positions of leadership and accountability for their group or team, etc.,
6. Rules and boundries don't mean the same to them, and so it will be a constant struggle for them in this area.
7. Tend to feel everyone is out to "get" them, when others point out their mistakes or failures.
8. Will not handle losing a game, a bad test, or any kind of failure very well; simply because they have not been given the chance to learn how to do so.

So the next time your teen screws up - focus more on what they learned from it, or how they responded to it. Did they run away from the problem, and didn't accept any responsiblity for it? Then point out how their actions or choices created the situation, and what could they do differently next time. Most importantly, hold them accountable.

Or, if your child "steps up" and accepts responsibility for their actions? Then, even in this time of failure, there is success! They have learned, and therefore grown from their mistake. They will be stronger for having gone through it. That is the teen that is less likely to repeat their mistakes.

From my perspective, the teen that has parents who are strong enough to let go and let them fall because they loved them enough to know a little hurt now, prevents a lot of hurt later, is the teen that will grow up to live life to the fullest. They will not be afraid to think out of the box, and they will reach beyond what is "guaranteed" to get what they want in life!

ThirTEEN Fun Ways to Hang with Your Teens! - Teen Parenting Series #6

Quick guide to activities your teens may actually want to do with you! Teen Tip of the Day - Make it their day with you, not your day with them. Know what I mean? Perhaps asking them to go antiquing with you for "time together" isn't the best idea, doesn't really say, "hey, I wanna hang out with you." Because parents, the sooner you face it, the easier life is: in their world, from their perspective... it is all about them. Especially when it comes to their time and presence. You want in? Jump in to their world for awhile. More time together opens the door to them stepping in to your world once in awhile!

1. Challenge another family of similar ages to a paint ball challenge.
2. Lazer tag, "the rents vs. kids," have lunch together afterwards.
3. Have a "hang out" at your house, not necessarily a party, just a bunch of their closest friends. Movies, TV, chips, m&ms... have a few games out and about... your being there to get more food etc.,... your in on it, your chatting with them and their friends...
4. Weather still decent? Host a neighborhood "manhunt" game. Bad weather? Play poker.
5. Flag football in the back.
6. Bowling - lots of towns have new "hip" bowling alleys, in our area its 300 and Lucky Strike Lanes.
7. Go to the Movies.
8. Learn to play PS2, Wii or DDR - DDR will get you in shape too! I know I've tried and died!
9. Take 'em shopping for the other parent.
10. Take them out practice driving for those with learners, or about to get learners.
11. Ask them to teach you to make those cool backgrounds they have on their facebooks.
12. Give the dog a bath together.... always makes for good pics!
13. Help them paint and/or decorate their room - the way THEY want it painted - it's only paint!

Parental Slip-Up Warning: Don't blow it by spending the time asking a gazillion questions, just hang... you'll be surprised what slips out, what little gifts of knowledge about their world they slip in here and there.

Even though I've posted what I consider 13 great ways to hang; I'm always looking for new ideas... always looking for a new and different, creative way to connect without "crowding" my three teens.

With my oldest preparing to go away to college, I admit, It's freaking me out a little.

In a way it is the beginning of the "end!" The end of him living here, of this being HIS home, the end of seeing him every day, even if its just for a moment or two.

So... I'm on a quest - I'm searching to gather as many "cool" fun ways to hang with him that aren't smothering him, and ways to get more time with my other two before they fly the coop too.

Feels like a took a nap and forgot to wake up! When did our kids, my babies, turn into grown people?

If you could post your ideas in the comments section, I will gather all for one nice long list and post here!

From my perspective, it helps to have a village expand my world and therefore, my perception.

Thanks for reading!

Good Morning America and the Warm Coats & Warm Hearts Coat Drive- Gives You a Reason to Clean Out Your Closets!

While you are busy hiding gifts for your kids in the closet these next two weeks, look inside and grab a coat or two that you haven’t worn in years, or that the kids have outgrown and consider bringing it to the Good Morning America’s Times Square Studio or a Burlington Coat Factory near you. Good Morning America, together with their partner - retailer, Burlington Coat Factory are holding their Warm Coats, Warm Hearts Coats Drive in partnerhsip with the non-profit organization One Warm Coat. All coats collected are distributed to people in need at no cost! This 2nd Annual Event kicked off November 24th and runs through January 16th.

Think about where you live; think what the temperature will be tonight, then try to envision how it would feel without a coat, or sweater or at least a jacket. Thousands of people spend their evenings without these basic necessities every night! This link will help you find the closest Burlington Coat Factory to you! All types of outer wear are accepted: sweaters, hats, gloves, sweatshirts and jackets. With three teenagers in my house, I KNOW I have extra of all of the above that they have grown out of in recent growth spurts! Get your kids involved have them go through the mitten, hat and scarf drawers, let them pick out things to donate. If you have teenagers who can drive, encourage them to be a part of this, after scouring their closets, let them drive and drop off your donations. (They are always looking for reasons to borrow the keys anyway). Let them be a part of this and feel the warm fuzzy you get after dropping off at something like this! If you donated last year – hats off to you; but don’t feel too complacent, according to the Good Morning America, the need for these staples has only increased since their last drive.

From the GMA Website, “Since 2008 started we have seen the number of people coming in increase by 44 percent from 450 families per week to 650 families, and it is continuing to increase," said Paul J. Haagsman, of, In the Image, in Grand Rapids, Mich., which last year distributed more than 8,000 winter coats.”

With over 400 Burlington Coat Factories throughout the country, very few people will have an excuse that they didn’t have anywhere to drop off donations. IF you happen to NOT live very close to a drop off location, consider dropping off the same clothing at a Goodwill location, a just as worthy place to support.

From my perspective, with so much negative news lately regarding huge multi-million dollar corporations, it is heartwarming to see such large corporations have a heart and help this great organization, One Warm Coat while reaching out to their communities this way. Thanks for reading!

Hey, if Diane and Robin support the cause, it’s got be worthwhile! They are my two very favorite morning talk show personalities, so good in fact, they often cause me to be late for my job!

All pictures from GMA website.

TEEN Gifts - Be Creative, From Twilight to Surf Camp and Everything in Between!

A quick guide with recommendations on gifts for teen girls and boys that are creative, ranging from affordable to extravagant, and always fun!

Feeling frustrated roaming the malls looking for that something special for your teen? Finding it harder and harder to find that perfect "ta-dah" present? Shopping for teens can be crazy, they either want everything, or your teen has no answer to the cheerfully offered, "so, whats on your list to Santa this year?" "I dunnos" are followed by "whatever," only to be concluded with "clothes?" While I love the thrill of locating that perfect gift, the gift you know will totally make their morning, I also know when that "perfect" gift just isn't to be found, there is a lot of fun in being a little crazy and creative. Teen boys and girls who love the ocean will love this idea. If you can afford to get really wild and crazy and your teen tends to get bored in the summer, think "board" as in SURF BOARD or Surf Camp!

Creative use of those stockings hung by the chimmney with care, can be the perfect home for gift certificates to fun places:

Last year we stuffed stockings with gift certificates from Chipotle -- I haven't been to a Chipolte lately and haven't seen 50 teenagers lined up for chow, my boys loved that card. Baja Fresh, Dominoes, Panera and Red Robin have also been very popular with my kids (and their friends!) Not sure if there are any teen girls who haven't seen Twilight yet; for those who have seen the movie, I'm thinking the replica of Twilight's Roasalie's necklace would be a guaranteed hit! Twilight Posters and Twiglight T-shirts are also a pretty safe bet right now, with the younger teen girls especially. If there are kids out there that haven't seen Twilight yet, Movie Theater gift certificates are always appreciated teen boys and girls!

My thirteen year old daughter would flip for a Sephora Gift Certificate. My teen girl is also a great bargain bidder and I recently saw that you can purchase gift cards for EBAY! No arguments on bidding, she has her own purchasing power on Ebay with that gift card!

Teenage girls who love a day at the mall would love getting a few hours with a personal shopper helping them create that perfect look! Maybe your teen girl is more of a Project Runway type of girl, try a gift with a creative spin on it, like designing her own purse! The love affair between teenagers and music continues in the new millenium. What teen boys and teen girls don't have and Ipod anymore? I tunes gift cards are always welcomed in our house. Tickets to a concert with their favorite band. Skullcandy Earbuds are on sale for $9.99 at my always favorite Target! Aside from things, and certificates to get things, I think giving memories, or events, can be a fun option for that teen that has everything, or wants everything, or doesn't know what they want at all! Local College Sporting Events can be fun! Are you close to a local sports arena that hosts any of your city's professional sports teams? You would be suprised how easy it can be to write to the marketing department of a sports team and get an autographed picture of a player. Or get tickets to the big game! If your in a snowy part of the country, try giving a crazy ski hat and gloves with Ski Lift Tickets inside the hat for your local ski resort for a fun day in the snow! "Home made" gift certificates allow you to personalize a bit. Try giving your kid a day of paintballing with 2 friends on a paint splattered "gift certificate" hand made from mom and dad. Or, if you really like a showstopper, consider giving a Limo for the night. (One of my friends got that for her son, who promptly "saved" it for prom!). For teens in college - college themed gifts are fun - and useful. I'm getting my college boy some much needed new clothes, the gift box will be a "cool looking" laundry basket, on top will be two rolls of quarters, and right beside the basket will be a big thing of laundry soap. The gift card is going to be a laminated Laundry Instructions guide. The poor kid has zero white clothing left in his closet and drawers at school. For that matter, if the kid needs dorm supplies, all kinds of dorm living materials can always be found at Bed Bath and Beyond. Now that all college kids have their own laptops and/or computers at school - an office type trashcan filled with office supplies for their dorm room is helpful too - printer paper, ink cartridges, highlighters, stapler, clips etc, My favorite teen gift I'm giving this year is to my new college kid; a poster sized blow up of a picture of him with his tight group of buddies that have been friends since Junior High and still continue to be just like a big 'ole pack of bear cubs together. That picture, I think.... will be my "ta-dah" Christmas morning, that simple picture of friendship and laughter might just elicit a 7 year old's happy grin - on my 18 year old boy/man's face. A moms reward, a happy smile.

From my perspective, that is the joy of Christmas! Giving an ear to ear grin to someone you love with all your heart!

Teen Parenting Series Topic Five - When the Best Communication Strategy is to Be Quiet

People often forget that listening is the "other half" of communicating. Sometimes you are saying the most, when you aren't saying anything at all; you are simply listening. Often, when given time, a teen will suddenly remember they do know how to speak, and they do have something to say.... even to you, their parent! By simply listening to what they have to say you are telling your teen, that you care enough to let them get it all out, to let them say what is on their mind; even when whats on their mind, takes a few minutes to surface, form words, accumulate volume and be articulated to you, their parent. There will be times that this sudden use of words to express how they feel will arrive at inopportune moments. You will need to do your best to squelch that feeling and be there to listen to your child. Sincerely listen. Implement A.L.T.U strategy if needed to help you keep your focus on your teen, and what they are saying. (Actively Listening To Understand - not just hear them, but LISTEN to them). An example could be when your child hops in the car as you pick them up from a friends house. The parent that immediately starts in with a string of (innocently enough asked) questions, is only rewarded with a few grunts meaning yea, and shoulder shrugs indicating I don't know, and wild eye movements - indicating OMG NO, will be wildly dissappointed with the mono-syballic "conversation" she has with her teen. Contrastly the parent that may quietly offer a "hey kiddo" as their teen jumps in, given some time, will likely be rewarded with a bone of knowledge - something that occured at their friends house, or something someone said to them on the bus that day. The key here is creating a successful enviornment. To open up, most teens need to feel safe and free from judgement, intended or not. Creating a buffer of silence between arriving in car with parent, and when they decide to open up a bit and possibly even share about their day is key! This way your child feels that they are deciding to communicate to you on their terms. They will then feel more in control of the conversation and offering information about their life, versus the feeling that you are expecting them to fill in the gaps and all the missing pieces to the puzzle of their life. Your teen will feel empowered by having the choice to communicate to you, instead of being defensive due to the overwhelming feeling of your being too demanding in wanting them to communicate. Put anyone on the defense, and they usually push back and/or lash out. Empowered by the feeling of talking on their terms, the teen may offer more than you ever would have pulled out of her regarding the latest break up or conflict in her life, or ......(fill in the blanks appropriate to your child!). Carpool is another prime opportunity to be quiet! You will learn more about your child's day through the interactions of your child and their peers. With time, if you are very good at mastering being invisible, your child will forget that you are in the car, and they will open up to their friends. This way, if down the road you ask about that one girl and the hard time they were having together, you won't see her physically "shutting you out" or looking at you like you were crazy, you know nothing about this, so why would I even begin to share with you look. Because they will know you were in the car, and that they did talk about Susie Q that day in the car, with this in mind, you will probably get that look of, well, ya know that Susie Q and all she has done, well..... and the conversation flows as long as the teen is comfortable sharing. Remember kids don't really want you to be their "best friend," heck, sometimes they don't even want you to be their sounding board. It's our job as parents to gauge what they really need from us in each specific moment, as it will change day to day. So they don't need you to feel in the silence gaps with mommie (or daddie) jibber jabber. They need to feel comfortable with who they are and who they are with in order to communicate to others what they are really "feeling." From my perspective, there are times when the ages old adage is absolutely correct, "Silence is Golden." Those who are actively listening to understand their children will come away alot more richer than those who simply hear their kids "talking." Have you talked to your kid today? Seriously - talked? Not chatted, not hows your day wrap up summary to the daily family show, to be aired same time, same place tomorrow, but truly talked to them, and listened to what they had to say to you? Teen talk tip today? Don't always try to fill in the awkward silence, it could be the catalyst to your teen opening up a little to you.

Topic Four Teen Parenting Series - How to Dodge the Bullet of Teen Nagging

Many of the articles I post here are from things I've read about and learned over the years. Not so with today's post. This is just my pure gut feeling and instinct with respect to the nagging or whining teens tend to do and why they often fall into doing this as a matter of habit. If you leave my blog with anything from this article, please have it be this: CONSISTENCY. Maintaining a consistent value system, rules of the house, and line of communication between your teen and your self is KEY. The parent who is easily swayed, is often nagged. Nagging or whining is simply a means to acquire the desired end result.

• Once the behavoir is rewarded with what they wanted, you might as well get the dog food out for Pavlov's pooch. The kid has heard your bell, and is salivating at the thought of getting what he or she wanted.
• If nagging got it the last time they wanted something, they will sure as heck do it again. If your teen knows whining wears you down faster than anything....be prepared for the siren sounding whine your teen knows how to make to get you to cave early.

Parents also need to be consistent in their response, be on the same page on what (for the most part - never say NEVER), is acceptable and reasonable requests within their household.

• If your teen manages to divide Mom and Dad, you will most certainly fall, divided you are always weaker and they zero in on this like shark going for blood.

Set realistic expectations in a firm but loving way. For example, if you were taking just about ANY teenage girl between the ages of 13 and 16 to the mall:

• Almost guaranteed their expectations of that shopping trip will be much different from yours.
• If you don't adjust those expectations; you are creating your own misery.
• Give your teen an enviornment to be successful in. A successful brother, sister or child.
• By setting the expectation first (as in before you go inside the mall), you are dodging the nagging bullet.
• When you are very clear and concise about what the purpose of this trip to the mall is, you have given them a clear expectation and you are giving them an environment to be successful in.

This is one of the best things I've ever done with my daugther prior to a trip to her mecca. Now shopping trips are fun; a time to bond, chat and enjoy each other's company. I am the first to admit, this wasn't always so. The majority of the time it was my fault by not being consistent, so she always had a glimmer of hope that maybe this time, if she asked often enough, or spun me around enough she would get that ______ (fill in blank with the latest "MUST HAVE") desire of a 13 year old girl.

Always, always try to keep in mind:

In relationships communication is KEY! Informed people are confident people.

An uniformed person's imagination is usually worse than the reality of the situation.

By not communicating clearly and leaving too much to the imagination you have given your teen no option but to fill in the blanks themselves. In the case of our example, you will have a battle on your hands from the time your feet hit the tile of the mall.

It doesn't have to be this way. Nagging for things, and whining about what we don't get isn't really acceptable behavoir.

Then why do we find ourselves faced with it more than we would like?

It occurs when: there is disparity on what parents allow and don't allow, when there hasn't been a lot of straight talk between parent and child, and when teens aren't clear on what to expect and not expect.

Teens, like ourselves, only want to know what the scoop is whats the 411, etc, Making them guess puts stress on your time together. There is very defined amount of time together as parent and child, they grow up too fast!

From my perspective, parents need to do all we can to enhance our time together with our children!

Teen Talk Tip of today? Talk in a way your children will listen. Listen so your children will talk.

Topic Three in Teen Parenting Series - Pulling out the Positive When Talking With Your Teens

Too often teens feel their parents are saying they are bad. Today's installment is about pulling out the positive and focusing on that in your conversation with your teen. This teen talk lesson will sound like a repeat of toddler positive reinforcement 101, because it is. Parents need to be reminded this technique does not lose it's effectiveness with age. It is simple- human nature responds better to positive language vs. negative. It's the rare parent that truly believes they have a "bad" kid. Our kids will make bad choices, that is a given (it is how we learn and grow). Teen choices are what worry or anger us, and the choices are what we are trying to correct.

Parents need to be conscious of the words we use. In an effort to comment on, or correct our teen's bad choice, our words often give a different message than we intended.

Refrain from Immediate Evaluation Syndrome (common parental affliction) Example Scenario: Teen venting about bad day at school. ..."Oh my gosh Mom, the lunchroom is horrible, every day, its just horrible!" Negative Response: ..." I think your exaggerating there must be some days that are okay in the cafeteria."

• This response, with good intentions, says to the teen, your wrong.

Positive Response: ..."Wow, it's been pretty bad in there lately, huh?"

• This is better because it acknowledges their bad day without evaluating the teen. BONUS: minus the "being attacked" feeling, your teen is more likely to continue in the conversation, probably in a more informative vein.
• By being careful and conscious of her responses, mom will learn a lot more about her teen's day, at the same time, her teen has a chance to vent and get it out of her system.
• Parents still left scratching their head after a 1 sentence exchange need to reflect on their last few conversations, maybe they created the "mute teen effect" without even knowing.

Curb parental "Reactionary Stance" when responding to teen behavior Example Scenario: Teen and younger sibling. Negative Reaction Dad "Leave the baby alone Michael!" Teen "I was just rubbing his back" Dad "I know what you are doing, just stop it before you wake him please" Positive Reaction Dad "I like rubbing his back too, I'm just afraid he will wake up, he just fell asleep."

The positive reaction acknowledges the teen's good intentions in a non-judgmental way. Furthermore, the parent is showing empathy with the teen.

Having sincere empathy in your response creates an alliance with your teen, this removes the parent from the more adversarial role their teen sees them as.

Positive reinforcement works, when we pull out the positive and focus on that in a situation or conversation, everyone feels better.

• Positive reinforcement, praise, encouragement, these are the winning ways when interacting with your teens!
• Used consistently in a direct way will get results.
• Don't be fooled into thinking it isn't working. Teens, almost sub-consciously, want you to believe you are having no effect on what they do, or how they do it.
• Be patient! With time you will see, in their very actions and reactions, that it is working!

Bottom line parents, our job is to be positive, encouraging and full of praise for our children.

• Being positive when correcting a bad choice, points the teen towards their positive attributes, not leaving them to dwell on their negative choice.
• Encouraging your child on a consistent basis when they are engaged in the appropriate behaviors will only increase the positive (desired) behavior.
• Praising your children can't be emphasized enough, who on earth does NOT respond in a positive manner to praise!

If you have tried, or intend to try, any of the strategies in this Teen Series please post your success stories and/or mistakes you have made and learned from. Next Teen Talk Rule in the Series: How to dodge the bullet of Teenager Nagging.

Necessary Gear for Road Trip Part II

Having boldy dashed off my list of things to pack to for a road trip with kids, I find myself corrected, in a big way. My husband's smart packing is what really made our trip with 3 teenagers and 120 lb lab in the Honda Odyssey do-able. If you made note of my first list, please do add the following items to that list: especially if you have teenagers.

1. Splitter for the earpohnes on the laptop.
2. Earphones, extra earpohnes and back up earpphones!
3. Freshly synced I-touch or phone, with latest and greatest podcasts; This Week in Tech, Buzz Outloud, Security Now, etc.,
4. Iphone with GPS - gotta love that.
5. One Pillow and blanket for each kid (teenagers don't really like to share)
6. DVDs for watching on laptops.
7. Chargers for phones and laptops.
8. Flashlight ap for ipod for the "reader" in the van
9. Card for mom's laptop so she can get internet on the road.
10. Book for Mom to read when Dad finally loses it and begins his highway attack mode driving

Caution: not wise to bring freshly baked pies in the car with the dog, or if you do, bake double. Caution: when the dog suddenly starts to bark in the car, he realy needs to go, he isn't joking.

Footnotes:

• Plastc bags to pick up what the dog does
• Patience, lots of patience

We survived, it only took 5.5 hours to do a trip that normall takes 4 hrs. tops, on "Exodus Wednesday" from the DC Metro to New Jersey, just outside the city.

What am I thankful for? Arriving! And much, much more.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Topic Two in Teen Parenting Series - Teen Cue Words: the Words All Parents Should Have in Their Parenting Dictionary

A series providing parents of teens 9 strategies to help improve communicating with their teens and work towards creating a better parent/child relationship. I call these "Cue" words, because argumentative interaction with our teen-age kids should be our cue to switch words or our manner of speaking with our teen. Changing a few key words when interacting with your teenager will rescue you from the constant feeling of having verbal arrows thrown at you by your teen! Today's installment covers Teen-Talk Rule #1: When talking with your teens, try using "It" instead of "You" in your conversations. By making this simple change, you will immediately feel the benefits! By doing this, parents avoid having their teen feel they are being judged or evaluated. When speaking to a teen, each time we insert the word “you,” in their world sounds like we are judging them. Example:

• Before: “Kathy you really need to go to bed now.”
• After: “Kathy it’s getting late, it really is time to go to bed now.

Saying you have to go to bed may seem logical to the parent but to the teen they hear, “what have you been doing all night, why are you late, why are you off schedule?” and with that in mind they take it personally.

Because our teen feels this way, they revert to a defensive position, which is why they normally would respond to our request for them to go to bed in a defensive manner. Not usually brimming with sugar and spice and everything... This tactic can also be applied to non-directives but in simple conversation: Example: Your child is talking about a bad day at school, how he didn't get to complete his gym class, he was sent to the school office.

• Before (Parent): “What did you do to get sent to the office.”
• Your teen is immediately feeling defensive, and you don’t even know what happened yet, and will probably react in a very argumentative way, “I didn'tdo ANYTHING."
• After (Parent): “What happened during the class?”
• While you don’t have to actually use the word “it,” by focusing on the event vs. your child individually, they will not feel as threatened or judged.

When I implemented this change in my vocabulary, I was amazed at the results. The "IT" changed as a I referred to it when I first learned about it was a lifesaver for me!

The "IT" change also supports the Victim/Villain roles referenced in the first installment of this series. When saying "you" to our teen, knowing what we know now, it is easy to see that it could instantly cast our teen in the "victim" role, because they are feeling personally "attacked" vs, just an inquiring mind wanting to know how it went in school today!

Once you try this strategy, please post your experience on the comments, we can all learn together from each other's experience. In this case, we'll say, "it takes a virtual village to raise our teens!"

Next topic in the series: Teen-Talk Rule #2 - PULL out the Positive!

Teen Parenting Series: Creating a Better Relationship with Your Teenagers

A series providing parents of teens 9 strategies to help improve communicating with their teens and work towards creating a better parent/child relationship. Today's Topic: Navigating Conflicts and Arguments with your Teenagers. The day my youngest turned 13 was the day my husband and I knew we were outnumbered! 3 Teens: 2Parents. Yikes, how did this happen so fast? We quickly realized with our oldest (now 18) that parenting teens is not the same as parenting before the teen years.

Teens, love 'em or hate 'em we all were once there, and need to remember that unique psyche involved in being a teen.

• Parents need to constantly remind themselves teens are a different breed of person. Teens feel they can conquer anything, they are invincible. Their friends are their world, and they want to belong and be different all at once.

The teenage world is full of push and pull, love/hate, it is a plethora of contradictions; it can be very stressful on a teen. Teens, like their younger alter ego, do all they can to keep it together in public; when they come home don't be hurt or confused that the stress of their day is unleashed on you. As parents we are the safe harbor for their very choppy day in the world of peers. Topic One: Conflicts and Arguments - Learning not to escalate arguments, thus avoid creating a "mountain" to climb, only to then slowly descend into the calmness of compromise and agreement. REMEMBER: In any conflict, aka argument, with your teen, there are 3 roles; 1. Victim, 2. Hero and 3. Villain. Parents need to avoid the easy typecast of "Villain"

1. Don't go overboard on accusations, or yelling. Simply state the facts, "John, you are late, we agreed your curfew was midnight."
2. Don't respond to his excuses with, "you are ALWAYS late." Sweeping statements only open the door for their immediate response and self-validation that you don't "get it."
3. This simply supports their role as Victim. Simply stay firm and clear, "yes, but midnight was the curfew we agreed to."
4. If you are NOT the Villain, you will be amazed at how quickly they don't have a quick counter attack. It's amazing. The conflict ends.
5. Slipping back into "Villain" you only perpetuate the argument, because the "Victim" will always have a comeback to the "Villain."
6. This promotes the possibility of an even worse scenario: your partner in parenting may feel the need to come to the rescue, as the "Hero," just to end the argument.
7. Being the "Hero" to a partners "Villain" only underlines your teens ability to divide and conquer the parenting team.
8. On the flip-side, don't slip into "Victim" yourself by using tried and not true: "if you loved us, you would know we were worried, why do you do this to us, don't you even care?" When they are having fun with their peers, they have the attention span of a lightning bug.
9. Your teen cares about you, the point is they didn't think about you at that specific moment of their decision. Never state anything you know deep down isn't true, saying it all is being more about you. It is an emotional response that will never bring the hoped for outcome.

Next topic in the series: Teen CUE Words, the Words We All Need in our Parenting Dictionary: Oh so useful, when communicating with your teen. Choose them carefully! The author, Meglyn of "From My Perspective," is the parent of three teenagers, 13, 16 and 18. Meglyn has also worked several years in the school system both in elementary and middle school. At heart, Meglyn often feels many years younger than her 45, but knows the teen years are not a phase in life she would ever want to re-live! She does not claim to be the authority on teens, moreover, she is usually writing from what she has learned from her mistakes, or from the research she has done to help her and her husband during these choppy years of teen hood in the house! Readers: Please post those teen-tips you have accumulated over the years, this parent knows there is always more to learn!

Mothers and Daughters

Why is it that Mothers and Daughters have such an intense relationship? How long does it take before we transition from the love hate situation of teenagers, to best friends? Seriously, there are times I am worried about making it through the rough years, so we can enjoy the rest of our lives together. She is only with us for so long. I know this for sure, because my oldest son is about to leave the nest for college, and suddenly I wish we had done this and that, and then maybe this.... And why can't you be home more, and why do you only come home to change and go out again? It's hard to let go, it's harder to let go, when they are right in front of you. Which is absolutely what you need to do at this age. Let go and let teen. Let go of the snappy little comeback you have to the zinger she throws you in retaliation to your simply asking her to pick up her things from the floor. Let go when she is trying out make up that it probably too much for her to wear, unless she looks down right slutty - let it slide. Probably having a peer tell her "yuck" will have a much bigger impact than your telling her it looks "yucky." Sometimes you just have to love 'em to death, untl they finally give in. That is, if you are still standing after the last knock down drag out, all out battle. From my perspective, if we each give a little, we will both get a little of what we need.

Road Trips...

... are a great opportunity for parents of teens to connect and catch up. It may take a little time, but given enough space, a few open ended conversation starters, and usually your teen will eventually give in on the silent treatment and start to talk. Want them to talk more? Don't take over the conversation. Let there be some quiet between topics and usually, if you are patient, they will offer more. While your innate mother's instinct may drive you towards trying to solve whatever challenge or problem from their day they bring up - try to refrain! Have you ever wanted to just vent about your day to your husband or friend, and they immediately try to provide a solution, when you really didn't want a "fix" you wanted to whine, maybe even martyr it a bit, you wanted to get it all out, so you could let go of it? Same with your teen, they don't always want us to "fix it and make it all better." Sometimes they simply want you to listen. Shocking, I know. Once your teen is confident that you are completely vested in actually listening and perhaps validating their feelings here and there, you will be pleasantly suprised at the results. It is really hard in the beginning, but once you get the hang of it, you will be amazed at all they had been holding in, and now are willing to share! Of course, you may need to institute ipod free zones. In our family, we ask that ipods not be immediately turned on - that we need to be on the road for more than 45 minutes. This rule graduated from the former rule (used more when they were younger) - no movies in the car until it is too dark out to read. If you can handle their music choices, try plugging their ipod into your car speakers, or in my case (I have an older van) - plugging into a casette enables their ipod to play on the car speakers. Whatever it takes, try to create an environment that enourages an exchange of conversation between you and your teens. This means, not chatting on your cell phone - which literally forces them to dis-engage, and when that happens, it will need to be a really long trip for them to re-engage. It also means, don't use that time together to lecture or whine about their dirty underwear on the floor- which literally translates to "wa waaa wa wa" to the teenager's ears. (Insert Charlie Brown's teacher sound bite). From my perspective, if you want to talk to a teen, you need to talk in a way they will listen, and more importantly, listen in a way so they will talk.